


Thanks For Sharing

by ImpossiblyShamelessEarthquake, Malleland



Category: Thanks for Sharing, The Girl on the Train (2016)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, Drug Addiction, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Le Duo - Freeform, M/M, Masturbation, Minor The Girl On The Train Spoiler, Sex Addiction, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, unhealthy to healthy relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-11-06 05:20:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11029470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImpossiblyShamelessEarthquake/pseuds/ImpossiblyShamelessEarthquake, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malleland/pseuds/Malleland
Summary: Hello, my name is Neil... and I'm a sex addict.Neil's life has never being under control, but he has managed to survived and cope with his addiction. But now things have gotten out of control; he just lost his job as an Emergency Room doctor, and has been lying about doing his 12 steps guide and the abstinence rule.Then, things get even more out of control when a new member joins his help group…Josh Gad….. Neil (Thanks for Sharing)Luke Evans….. Scott (The Girl on the Train)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This time we have to thank Aleck (@aleckseion) for being our beta, and for all the patience!

[](http://s306.photobucket.com/user/Malle182/media/Mobile%20Uploads/IMG-20170625-WA0002.jpg.html)

[](http://s306.photobucket.com/user/Malle182/media/Mobile%20Uploads/f4f57075-46d1-4a80-a080-088e28192b9e.jpg.html)

Another day since Neil had started the 90 days program. Another day without being able to use the subway, Internet, or TV. Another day jobless, taking taxis or riding his brand new bike, which he hated. He stood there in the school playground where the sex addiction counseling meetings used to take place. 

It was day 11 for him and he could feel the small 10 days chip that had been given to him yesterday fumble around in his pocket. They say the first days are the hardest, but never tell you how hard they can be. So, Neil just took a deep breath and entered the small building.

The classroom was crowded with men, though two women sat amongst them. They congregated that evening in a small second grade classroom, the walls plastered with childrens drawings. A box of toys sat alone in a corner, along with some loose crayons the kids must have been playing with earlier. Neil took a seat, greeting all the familiar faces around him and waited for the meeting to start. 

Scott hated to be there. There were so many things he should be doing, and losing a whole hour of his time (he wished it was only an hour) seemed ridiculous.

But, he thought while traveling through the long corridor, it was for the best. It was better to lose a couple of hours among people he could relate to as opposed to listening to his counselor spout bullshit at him.

Scott was late, but at least he was there. He desperately hoped he wouldn’t have to hold hands, make cheesy introductions, and then hug people like they were all some big family he didn’t know he had. Scott just sat down on one of the chairs and tried to be invisible until this dreadfully boring nightmare was over.

When the meeting started, Neil didn't raise his hand to speak. He never liked being the first one. He let Mike speak; he was learning to trust his kid again. Then Adam; problems with his girlfriend again, Phoebe. But then it was his turn:

“Hello, Neil here. Sex addict.” After the proper greeting, he continued. “I ahh… This is my eleventh day in the program. Thanks to Adam for being my sponsor.” He passed his tongue along his lips, “So… I got rid of my TV and laptop, and also can't use the subway.” He laughed nervously at this point.

“I… Well, it's been hard. The nights are the worst. I keep thinking of… everything. And… yesterday after the meeting Dede helped me get rid of my porn collection.” Another laugh.”I haven't touched myself in eleven days so, that makes me cranky. But I know this is for the best. And I have a job interview next week at the St. James Hospital. I'm hoping to get a job in the ER. So, yeah…. I think that's about it.”

The people in the room clapped and thanked him for sharing. 

Scott managed to stay silent almost until the end of the meeting. It was everything he feared it would be. People talking about their problems while everyone pretended they cared. Or maybe they did care, that was a kind of bond that he would never understand.

But his to relief it didn’t last long. When all the attendants who raised their hands had their turn, the older man who had problems with his son gave him a straight look. “As the new face in the group, it would be nice for you to introduce yourself.” He said.

“I’m Scott.” He felt no need to share his last name, as he felt no need to share anything more about him, but he knew he had to give them something. “Sex addict, I guess.”

A pause with a torturing silence, and he felt the pressure to keep on talking.

“My therapist insisted I should be here. That I should share my story with you, but I don’t think I have too much to say. I just… have a lifestyle that seems to bother him.”

But what he hated the most was the understanding looks, and condescending smiles those people were giving him now. Why it was so hard for them to accept that not everybody had their problem? 

“And now here I am. As I said, not much to tell.” He continued.

When the meeting ended it was a habit to stay a little longer to chat and eat the little snacks the commission had brought. It was Neil's favorite part. He grabbed a doughnut and rested his back on a wall, observing how the new guy took a good look at the snacks provided. 

“These are really good, but you get addicted to them.” Neil offered one of his chubby smiles. 

Sending him a smile, Scott served himself one of the snacks. After all, he faced a whole session, he could survive some food and small talk.

"Neil, right?" The guy was cute. Not exactly the type that Scott was used to dating - those are the words he kept telling himself. He dated a lot, but this man drew his attention for sure.

And of course, he was the only one who didn't spend the meeting complaining about his wife, son or girlfriend. He looked confident and didn’t blame others for his problems.  
It was a shame that it wouldn't be exactly moral to hit on someone recovering from sex addiction.

"If the food is always like this, I can get used to coming to these meetings."

Neil smiled even wider. That’s something he found himself doing often, Smiling.  
“And you’re Scott, right? Nice to meet you properly.” He offered his hand in a quick but firm handshake. “Is this your first time in a meeting like this?”

“I’m that obvious?” He tried to stop himself, but there he was, holding the handshake longer than it was polite. The impulse was stronger than him, even when he wasn’t trying to be flirty. “I didn’t know what to expect. And I won’t lie, even with low expectations, it was pretty terrible.” He replied snarkily. 

It was better to keep his hands busy, so he reached for a new thing to eat. “And you - eleven days here and they already made you throw your tv and laptop away?” He was curious about the subway thing, but it seemed too personal to ask. “I suppose I’ll have to go through with this too?”

“Actually, I have been here for over a month now, but I wasn't that committed. I only have eleven days sober.” Neil took out his cellphone, “But yeah, you’ll have to get rid of pretty much every connection with the world. I’m not allowed to have a smartphone so, I have to use this.” He handed a pretty old cellphone model to Scott, one of those which didn't have internet connection.

Scott stared at that cellphone as if he was holding a museum artifact. "By sober you mean without sex? And with no connections with the world?"

The thought alone made his hands shiver. He couldn't deal with isolation right now. Or ever. 

"This is insanity. I shouldn't even be here." He returned the phone, sticking his hands in his pockets immediately to stop his nervous tic. 

Neil took the cellphone and holder in his hands for a moment,  
“Yes, I mean…” He hated being this way. He always felt like a freak when introducing himself to new people who were aware of his problem.

“It's not like you have to hide yourself from the world but, just…” Neil put his cellphone in his pocket. “I guess it should get easier with time.”

“You started attending these meetings a month ago, didn’t you?” Scott asked. “And it’s not easy for you yet.”

That was not an accusation, rather a statement that exuded desperation . “Is it okay for us to exchange numbers? Keep a relationship outside of here?” He leaned over Neil, whispering as if he was conspiring with the shorter man. Though it wasn’t sensible, acting as if he was hitting on someone always made him feel slightly better. He needed to treat himself to at least a few things if his therapist really does force him continue with these meetings. 

“Just to have an extra support buddy, of course.” He added defensively. “It would be good to have someone to talk with about… this setback.” 

Neil processed the words for a moment. Something about Scott made him feel strange. It wasn't good, but it wasn't bad either. It was a sensation he hadn't experienced before. 

“Yeah. I mean, it’s not against the rules to exchange numbers. Mmm, do you have a pen or, okey…” Neil waited for Scott to set up the contact on his IPhone Plus 7 so he could tell him his number.

“646 555 0149.”

Noticing the way Neil was looking at his IPhone, Scott tried to smile. “You see, I just can’t get rid of this comfort.” 

Not even he could find it amusing. He typed and saved the number, feeling the sudden urge to leave before this situation got out of hand. 

“I’ll text you.” He raised a hand, fettling a lock of Neil’s hair and offering a final smile. 

“I really have to go now. Not even you or the snacks could keep my good mood if I stay longer.” He added.

But Neil knew these interactions would be the highlight of his sessions. He would keep him around for sure.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We hope you enjoy this new chapter! <3

[](http://s306.photobucket.com/user/Malle182/media/Mobile%20Uploads/IMG-20170625-WA0002.jpg.html)

The night seemed to be unending. Scott was lazing about at home. He had all intentions of spending a night alone, without finding someone to share the dragging hours. Just him, himself, and his empty bed. He was going to prove his psychologist that he wasn’t an addict, and how he could stop anytime he wanted.

Trying to watch tv, he discovered soon enough it couldn’t maintain his attention. The shows were shallow, and all the movies were not interesting at all. He couldn’t be alone. He couldn’t stay sober for that long, with nothing to preoccupy his mind- nothing to distract him from his own thoughts. This was going to lead him to a place of mind he didn’t want to go again.

He reached for his IPhone in a panic. There was someone he could ask for help.

'Are you free tonight? Now?' 

Only after the message was sent did Scott realize he didn’t even identify himself.

'It’s Scott, he wrote again, I can pick you up if you want to. No need for you to deal with the subway.'

 

Neil’s afternoon after the meeting hadn't been that good. When Scott left, he had one of his conversations with Adam, who told him that now he had to find a new activity to do, like a hobby. People usually trying to leave an addiction were prone to fall into another, he told him. So, Neil needed to occupy his mind and involve himself in something else. 

Once in his small apartment, Neil wrote in his twelve steps book. He found he wasn't nearly as invested as he wished he could be. His mind began to wander as he turned on his radio and opened a can of soda, but that wasn't enough. He was starting to feel anxious and desperate, and was about to finish the cake his mom had baked for him when his cellphone rang with a new message. Then two. 

'Hey, Scott. I was about to eat a cake my mom baked for me, but I guess I'll have to change my plans. xP You can pick me up in Lincoln Avenue in half an hour??' - Neil

A feeling of relief washed over him as his phone vibrated with a new message a few moments later. It was enough to calm down the tickling feeling that was taking control of his body and mind. A smile danced upon his lips when he read the answer.

'I must be a terrible person to stop you from eating your mother’s cake. Send her my apologizes.  
Lincoln Avenue in half an hour it is! Don’t leave me waiting.' - Scott

But he ended up waiting anyway. Scott practically got in an accident from the speed that he was going. He drove along the streets with an excessive amount of enthusiasm. But from the way the wind rushed through his car window and directly onto his face, re realised this was oddly necessary.

The adrenaline that coursed through his veins seemed to aid him, putting his mind at ease. He also tried to be a good example and left his IPhone inside his glove box, choosing to listen to music on the radio while waiting. No one could say he was not trying.

 

“Scott!” Neil waved his hand from one side of the street, but crossed it as fast as he could. He was wearing converses, blue jeans, a grey shirt, and a big smile on his face. 

When Neil got in the car, he was almost out of breath. “Oh, Sweet Baby Jesus. It’s a long street. I hate not being able to use the subway.”

“Next time we can meet in a place closer to your house.” It was more a way for Scott to affirm they would go out together again. “And let me compensate my cake interruption by taking you to eat at a good restaurant.”

He could actually breathe in the scent of Neil’s skin, but he tried to focus on the road. “Is there any special place you’d like to go?”

“Well, Lincoln Avenue is not that far from home. Just a couple of streets, but I always use it as a reference because it’s well known and easy to find.” He buckled his seatbelt.

“-And I usually go to fast food restaurants, and judging for your body I don't think you visit them much.” Neil let go one of his small laughs. “I used to have a crazy schedule, so those were my only options.” He hadn't expected Scott to text that quickly, but he was happy he did. Neil needed these kind of distractions. 

Scott couldn’t actually believe what he had just heard.

“Neil, I have a whole new world to show you.” He gave a small bite on the corner of his lips to hear the comment about his body. Ironically, the good thing about being with Neil was that he had to control himself. Not only because he was trying to prove a point to his therapist, but also because he sincerely didn’t want to disturb his recovering.

“I”ll take you to one of my favorite restaurants tonight. You’ll eat what I order, and you’ll never want to put fast food in your mouth again.”

Neil began to laugh, “Yeah, good luck with that.” They were headed downtown, and Neil was happy to not have to travel in taxi or that evil bike. 

“So, Scott. Are you getting a sponsor? I could recommend some good ones in the group.”

“Do I have to?” Scott questioned, annoyed at the thought. “I’m not even sure if I’ll have to go to these meetings for more than a week. I was there only because my psychologist insisted.”

He stopped talking for a brief moment, making a detour to enter the parking lot. The restaurant had a chauffeur to park the car for the customers, but Scott prefered to take care of his things himself. “I believe he’s overreacting. It’s not as if I’m ill.” His frustration escaped his lips before he could control it. “There’s nothing wrong with me.”

The last sentence was harsh, incisive. He couldn’t think of any other way around it.

Neil remained silent when they got out of the car, but thought of what to say when they entered the restaurant. “Maybe he wants you to explore all of your options? I remember you introduced yourself as a sex addict in the meeting, but didn't share much. Maybe you’re still in denial?” 

The restaurant was fancier than Neil had expected, and a table for two was assigned to them right away. He wasn't used to these kind of high brow places. His schedule as a doctor was… or had been… so demanding, between his work shifts and meetings he barely had time to visit a proper restaurant, other than the one where the group used to eat at once in awhile. 

“He thinks I’m a sex addict. But he thinks a lot of things about me, and half of them are not true.” Scott defended himself, waiting until Neil took a seat, then sitting in front of him. “I just like sex, and I see no reason to make a chastity vote in this time of my life. We have to get the most out of things, because who knows what will happen tomorrow?”

The waiter appeared just at the right moment of the conversation with the menu, but Scott already knew what he was going to be having.  
“We’ll have the Bruschetta and the Fried Oysters as appetizers. You can bring me the usual wine.” He seemed to frequent that place often. Alone at first, but always accompanied as of late.

When the waiter left, he turned to Neil once again. “But enough talking about me, I’m not that interesting. What do you have to say about yourself? What’s the job that only allows you to eat fast food?”

“ I’m a doctor in the ER in the county hospital… or I was, I mean…” Neil felt so weird talking about his problems outside the secure environment of the meetings. “I had some problems with my boss, so I had to leave. But I'm hoping to get a position in another Hospital soon.”

Neil thanked the waiter when he poured him a glass of wine. “What about you? You seem to have a pretty relaxed lifestyle.”

Wrong question at the wrong time. Scott let the waiter fill his glass, asking him to leave the bottle there, and immediately drank half of his cup in one sip. With a pleasured sigh, he felt the alcohol enter his body and decrease his sense of alert.

“Lets just say I was lucky enough to have a good, established job in the past. And now I have no one to take care of, except myself... so it ensures me a nice life. But, of course, I have a new job to help me sustain my expenses.”

Like a tennis match, he hit back the conversation to another matter.

“It was my childhood dream to be a doctor.” ‘No it wasn’t. Why are you lying?’ He thought to himself. “I would be really proud of myself if I knew back then that I would be having dinner with one years later.” Another pause was made while the waiter brought the food. 

“You should try the fish first. It’s amazing.”

Neil followed through with the suggestion, finding the dish exquisite. “I wanted to become a doctor the moment I started watching ER. I wanted to be George Clooney.” He took a little sip of his wine. “Oh, it's strong. But it’s good. I'm not so used to drinking...”

The story behind Neil’s career choice seemed so enticing that Scott found himself smiling again. “I would pick you over George Clooney anytime.” He emptied his cup, filling it with the light liquid again.

“I took you out of the safety of your home. I brought you to drink wine when you’re not used to it.” Scott played with an oyster in his hand, without paying much attention - his eyes locked on Neil. “It looks like I’m corrupting you.”

Neil half smiled at Scott. He was feeling anxious again. “Don't worry. Adam has me well checked.” He said, then observed the city through the big window next to their table. Everything seemed so peaceful and normal.  
Inside the restaurant people chattered happily, unaware of who he was. Who he really was. 

“I should probably call him. Tell him where I am… Make sure he knows I'm okay.”

“Am I bothering you, Neil?” Scott didn’t feel too secure about all that Adam talk. If that sponsor had some sense, he’d probably keep Neil far away from him. “You can say if something is wrong.” The distress was obvious and he actually didn’t like to see his new friend in such mood. “But you can call him if you want.” 

People must have their privacy, Scott figured. Of course. He tapped his fingers over the table, annoyed. He couldn’t control someone he just met.

“What? No! Of course not. I just… I didn't know we were going to be having dinner, you know, in such a fancy place where…” Neil was trying to not look around, “Most of the girls are wearing skirts in here.” He began playing with the napkin on his legs. Neil was right. Even the waitresses were wearing short skirts and high heels. 

That was some disturbing information. Scott was so focused, so dominated by Neil's presence, that he didn't noticed the waitresses with their skirts. The last time someone drew so much attention to him was... A long time ago.

"Would you like to leave?" All of a sudden, it was Scott who didn't want to stay there. "We can pack the food. And maybe pass through the drive thru on our way. Anything that doesn't cause a distraction."

Now he couldn't deal with the idea of having Neil's full attention.

“No, I wouldn't …” Neil had to force a smile when a young woman in an especially short dress walked next to their table. “Shit, I'm so sorry, Scott. I'm such shitty company right now.”

Neil focused on his fish, not taking his eyes from his plate, “I don't understand how can you be so calm.” He was moving his leg up and down, in an anxious manor. 

He couldn't answer immediately, fixating his eyes on Neil. He noticed how he was shaking, trying so hard to control himself, so as not to succumb to his intense cravings.

"I told him I wasn't a sex addict." That was a victory he had to share with his therapist, but he definitely wasn't calmed. 

Pushing the feelings that were about to emerge from the back of his mind, he called the same waiter. "Come on Neil, this is supposed to be fun not a torture session. Let's go somewhere else."

Neil stood up immediately. When he was in the parking lot outside of the restaurant, he took in as much fresh air as possible. That always calmed him down a little bit.

“It won't always be like this, you know?” He explained when they reached the car. “Adam told me it’ll get better once I finish the 90-90 program.” Neil was always trying to stay positive, taking Adam as his example. Even though Adam never had this level of anxiety.

Scott wasn’t so much of an optimist. He knew some situations would never change. Especially the bad ones. “I’ve already seen people overcoming addictions, Neil. You’ll be fine.”

He opened the car door, waiting once again for Neil to enter first, so he could go after. “So, I hope you won’t ask me to take you home. The night shouldn’t be over yet.”

Neil smiled, enjoying not being judged for a change. He was feeling accepted, and that was a hell of a deal for him. “I'm not that boring.” 

He gave Scott a wide smile, but then a concerned look. “Are you good to drive? I mean, you just drank two full glasses of wine back there.” It wasn't much, but it was something. As a doctor in the ER, he sure understood his alcohol intake. 

“You aren’t even used to drinking, Neil.” Scott said, with a smile again. “You shouldn’t be allowed to play with the big boys.” 

Scott left the parking lot, not knowing for sure where they were headed. If there was something he was absolutely sure of, it was that he wouldn't be taking Neil to his own house yet. “-You don’t need to worry about that, I’m not even drunk.”

The fact was that he was used to driving even in terrible conditions, when the alcohol was not the only thing intoxicating his blood. Though he of course wouldn’t mention such a thing to him.

The fresh air was blowing Neil’s curls as the car left behind reflections of streetlights as they drove past. “Where are we going?- Oh, look. They packed the wine bottle as well.” 

The now half full bottle of wine was resting in their bag, along with their food. “Wow, harvest of 1952.” Neil read the label. 

“This restaurant never disappoints me.” Scott drove with one hand for a moment, while using the other one to take off the cork of the bottle. “Don’t waste this opportunity. You can drink as much as you want to.”

He sped up a little, feeling a sudden burst of inspiration. “How do you feel about the idea of being a teenager again?”

Neil drank directly from the bottle. The taste invaded his body again, a hot sensation filling his stomach and mouth. “Aagh” He made a funny face, and positioned the bottle between his legs.

“What? You mean… Oh!” Neil began to laugh, “Dude, for a moment I thought you said ‘being with a teenager again’!” The aftertaste was still strong in his mouth, but it was actually pretty good. “I would love to.”

“What kind of image would you have of me?” Scott accompanied Neil’s laugh. He was reaching a familiar road in the town, which meant they were close. This was a solace, as he knew he wouldn’t be able to control his drinking at this point. He also didn’t want to take a sip while driving in front of Neil.

Finally, he turned onto a small road that had its end on the top of a ravine. Parking his car on the border, he got out of the vehicle to sit over on the car hood with a perfect view of the city. “I can’t even remember the last time I came here.”

It was far from everyone, which seemed like a good thing for both of them.

Neil got out of the car, and joined Scott, resting his body on the front of the car.

“I used to come to a place like this when I was younger. But I never stayed for too long.” He had his gaze fixed on the city outstretched before them. 

“I always went alone but, the place wasn't too safe. So, I usually ended up leaving because it was full of young couples making out or smoking weed. I never felt like I belonged.” Neil said, placing the bottle of wine on the hood of the car. 

Reaching for the bottle to taste more of the wine, Scott listened to Neil intently, but tried to wash away this words with a sip twice as big as what he was planning to. If he had been a man of belief, he would had asked himself if Rachel was dead and haunting him right now, in the form of Neil.

“Well, I have no pot with me today, but I do have wine that we couldn’t afford at the time to compensate. Not even the cool kids have the time of their lives in high school. Believe me.”

He rested the bottle on the hood again, bending to be closer to Neil with a half smile. “Can I..ask a personal question?”

Neil turned his head to face Scott. “Sure. If you start going to the meetings as a regular, then I guess you’re going to learn there are no secrets in the group. But also, no judgement.”

“I don’t have a history that allows me to judge others.” Scott assured, but still hesitated before asking. That was not a conversation that would occur at a meeting. “Why do you have to avoid the subway? Someone caught you having sex in there?”

The tickling was returning as he drank more wine, trusting that it would dampen the feeling. “I’ve been through something pretty similar, so no judgements at all.”

Neil bit his lower lip and turned to look out at the city once more. “I, aah…” He had shared his story with the group and he had shared it in an even deeper way with Adam. But, somehow, now that he was actually ‘recovering', Neil wanted to be seen as a different person in Scott’s eyes. 

“I did some… inappropriate touching. I… have a court order that made me enter the program. That's why I was there at first.” 

Neil lowered his gaze. “I'm not proud of it. I'm not…” He took in some air, filling up his lungs. “I'm not a pervert…” His eyes traveled to his hands, giving them a hard rub. “I’d never hurt a girl or… it's just… sometimes it's too much.” His voice began to crack at the end of the sentence. 

Scott regretted his choice of question when he noticed how upset Neil got. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” The alcohol was already poisoning his sense.

“I’ve met a woman once.” Since Rachel seemed to be a constant theme in his thoughts that night, it wouldn’t hurt to talk about her outloud. “That also used to do things she shouldn’t do in a train.”

Laying down over the hood, he stared at the sky,even if he was being totally aloof of the view while telling this part of his history. “She always stalked my wife when the train passed in front of our house. Until the day she saw something that broke the illusion she had about us. Short history, she even followed my wife and assaulted her verbally because of that.”

Every time he thought for too long about them, his emotional wounds would resurface and bleed again. He had failed them both so much, and he would never have a chance to compensate it. “What I mean is that everyone has something in their life that doesn’t make them proud.”

Neil had listened to the story carefully, totally ignoring the beautiful city lights above them. “God, Scott. I had no idea.” He turned his head to Scott. “Did your wife press charges? Is she alright?”

Scott had mentioned he was alone, but now that he had told him about his wife maybe he wasn't as lonely as Neil had thought. 

“She didn’t.” 

Megan didn’t even have a chance to press charges, but Scott was sure she wouldn’t have anyway. “This was a long time ago. Almost in another life. She isn’t with me anymore.”

And that was enough, he couldn’t go further with details. “I need to say, when I texted you, I was about to do something I would regret later. But now that I feel it taking over me again, I need to do it.” It was not actually a desire, it was a primitive impulse.

“How can you control this urge?” 

Neil remained silent for a while, choosing his words the best he could. He had asked that same question many times before. There was so much sadness in his voice when he replied, “You can't.” He didn't know if he was answering Scott or himself. 

“But you can focus that energy on something else.” Neil added. “Until it gets better.”

“What if… there’s nothing else that you're interested in? What if nothing seems to be important anymore?”

Now he was sharing with Neil more than he had shared with his psychologist in all his consults. But Neil was closer to understanding what he was going through. Neil had also shared something personal and hard to say about himself.

“You shouldn’t be here with me. I’m not an example, and I can barely keep my hands to myself now.” Maybe there was something wrong with him.

He was always affirming to others - and to himself - that there was no problem with wanting to have sex. He was an adult, he had consent, and he never had a problem big enough to disturb his life because of this. 

But this situation was different. He would offend, or even worst, drag Neil back into this black hole. And even being fully aware of this, it was tormenting to have him stay still.

Neil looked around, noticing for the first time how lonely this place was. Not even a single car had driven near by. Suddenly, he was feeling anxious again, but also scared. He knew, by experience, that sometimes to fantasize wasn't enough, sometimes your body demanded more. That's how he had gotten into troubles with the law in the first place. 

“You wouldn't hurt me, Scott. You just need to relax and… maybe do some breathing exercises.” Neil observed his surroundings once again. He didn't want to be there anymore, but Scott had drank too much and he didn't have a license. He didn't even have the car keys. 

In Scott’s defense, he tried to take a deep breath, but all he could smell was the scent of Neil’s skin again, and it was even more intoxicating than alcohol.

This was beyond boundaries. It was like he was trying to hold his breath, and his whole body was pushing him to breath again, to survive. It was a physical need he couldn’t control, like going to the bathroom, or the need to sneeze. 

“We should go.” He stood abruptly, keeping a safe distance between him and Neil. “You are clearly not comfortable with me, and for all the right reasons. I’ll take you home.”

Neil nodded, but didn't get in the car. “...You can't drive like this, Scott.” He dared to say. “Why don't you give me the keys? Come on, it can't be that difficult to drive, right?” He laughed a little, trying to lighten the mood. 

“Neil, this is not the right time to be the responsible adult here.” He was still holding the wine, if only to have something in his hands. He had no intentions of drinking more until he left Neil in safety.

“I can drive faster, and even wasted I can drive way better than someone who doesn’t know how to do it. And on our way back you can call Adam. Or that old guy. Or God if you want to, I don’t really mind. Just get into the car.”

Without much if a choice, Neil got in the car. He kept quiet for the first ten minutes of driving, but then he had to give some directions to get to his apartment. 

“Are you sure you are going to be safe driving alone to your house?” Neil asked when they parked in front of his building. “Maybe I can get a cab for you. You can leave the car in my parking spot.”

“There’s no need to worry about me. I can send a message when I get home, but don’t expect me to do it immediately.” He didn’t want to let Neil get out of the car, he didn’t want to spend the rest of the night without him. But he had to do the right thing at least once in his life.

“Just take care of yourself, alright? I’ll probably see you at the meeting tomorrow.” After a night like this, Scott had to admit it wouldn't hurt to go there again.

Neil nodded. “Thank you for the night. I really enjoyed the company.” He looked at his building, knowing he had to return to his normal life in just a few minutes. “I really hope to see you at the meeting, alright? Make an effort.” Now he was sure Scott really needed help, and the support group could be the best option. 

 

Once in his apartment, Neil turned on his radio. He opened his fridge and took out the cake, almost eating a complete half right away. He usually ate like that when he was anxious, and he hated it. So, with a big effort, he threw the remaining half into the trash can, telling himself he wasn't even hungry in the first place. 

With that in mind, Neil went and changed into his pajamas. He started to brush his teeth in front of the bathroom mirror and took a good look at himself while doing it.

He hated his tired eyes, his messy hair, his always growing stubble. But what he hated the most were his chubby cheeks, his fat belly, and his damned fucked up addiction. 

No matter his positive attitude, Adam’s words, or what the support group had to say, he was a pervert. He had touched women against their will. He had filmed them and jerked off later with the videos. How far was that from actual rape? 

There was no need to look any further, you had a monster right there in the mirror. Neil rinsed his mouth, his anxiety already in the forefront. 

He lowered himself to the floor, hugged his legs against his chest, and buried his face in his knees. He hated when the tears just flowed out. It made him feel weak, vulnerable. 

What was the point of everything? He hated his life, but it wasn't like he didn’t hate it before starting the program, anyway. Well, at least he had been free before. At least he didn't have Adam always chasing his tail, telling him what to do - or more accurately, what not to.

He stood up, looking at himself in the mirror again. His eyes were red, his cheeks wet, his lips puffier than before, his urge and anxiety at the boiling point. 

He cleaned his face with his arm harshly, leaving his cheeks redder than before. It seemed funny in a way, because that was his life; no matter how hard he tried to clean it up, there would always be a mark. He would always have the tag pervert on his forehead. 

Neil couldn't take it anymore, he shoved the stuff on the sink to the floor. 

Fuck the program! Fuck the court! Fuck Adam! He could shove the 90-90 up his ass for all he cared. Neil was sure he would like it! Scott wasn't in the program, and he seemed to have a way better life than him. 

In a fast and sloppy movement, Neil lowered his pajama bottom, just enough to be able to feel himself, not caring to control his urges any more. He shut his eyes, right in time when the moves were becoming even. 

He was fully hard in a minute, already leaking pre-cum in two. The images in his head fast but strong; that woman in the subway in front of him, her perfect butt enticing him. He had pushed his body against her more than once. 

Or that other young woman in the seat next to him. He had touched her leg, and she had noticed, getting out on the first stop.

Images of things he had filmed incognito, the magazines, the pictures, the porn videos; a girl masturbating on a bed, two girls in a bathtub, a woman giving a man a blow job, a guy fucking a girl from behind… Suddenly, a girl begging him to stop, and the guy ignoring her… Suddenly, that guy being him… 

Neil opened his eyes, scared. Not feeling air in his lungs. His heart beating so fast. He immediately stopped what he was doing, not ready for the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes; his reflection. 

With a fast and firm punch, the mirror shattered, his reflection disappearing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :D

[](http://s306.photobucket.com/user/Malle182/media/Mobile%20Uploads/IMG-20170625-WA0002.jpg.html)

Scott was pretty sure that what woke him up was the pounding headache. Even in his sleep he could feel that spike penetrating his head and threatening to perforate his brain.

He only had a few memories of the night, and it was more than sufficient to fill him with concern regarding what he would see when he opened his eyes. His breath got stuck inside his lungs when he caught a glimpse of the woman who was lying next to him: a small and soft back, covered with long and golden hair.

Closing his eyes again, Scott dived his head back on the pillow, letting a moan of misery escape from his chest. He thought he was over this pursuit of sharing his bed with a phantom of his wife, but the woman that resonated beside him was disturbing proof of how wrong he was.

A feeling of repulsion washed over him as he got out of bed in a panic and threw his clothes on. The feeling of disgust intensified when he recognized the hotel he was in - the same hotel he brought his partners to when he felt too filthy to take them to his home.

Before leaving, he still kneeled on the mattress and left a long kiss to her temple, making her exhalate softly in her sleep. He didn’t want to see her face, to ruin the charm of the moment.

It was 5 AM, and he still had time to go home before work. He tried so hard to clean all the scents of what he had done from his skin in a long, tantalizing shower. He laid down in his own bed, rolling himself between the sheets even if he knew he wouldn’t sleep. The pain was bursting inside him and the regret was heavier than he could carry.

 

At noon, Scott was still burning when he arrived to the meeting, now much more open than the day before. He was even on time.

Neil arrived as well, but not in the usual condition. He was late, and the bags under his eyes were dark and visible. His nose was irritated, and the bandage around his hand raised some eyebrows. 

He greeted the people in the room and took a seat immediately. He identified Scott at the other extreme of the circle, but Neil just stayed still, listening to what the other people had to say. 

Scott’s mood dropped one more degree when he spot Neil. Fuck, a thousand times fuck. He had done it again. Neil had been fine, completing 11 days sober. He was struggling, but a total optimist about the results of the meetings. He had been fine.

And one night with Scott apparently destroyed him. That was who Scott was. A reaper that sucked the life out of the people around him. It would never get better.

He spent the whole session in silence, sunken in his chair and thankful for not having to speak anything today. Maybe it was time for him to find a sponsor. Though, he couldn’t deal with the idea of anyone trying to make him feel better, patronizing and babying him. He already had his therapist to do all those things.

When the meeting ended, he approached Neil without much delicacy, feeling the urgency to talk to him before he could dodge or run away. “Can I talk to you?” He wasn’t even sure if that was the best thing, maybe he should just leave Neil alone. “It won’t be more than a minute, I swear.”

Neil looked at him with his big, tired eyes. He hadn't gotten much sleep last night, which was more than apparent, and his anxiety was already killing him. “Hey, Scott… I actually have to go with Adam. He needs to check my book and… I really need to speak with him.” His voice was nervous as he held the 12 steps book harder than he should. 

Adam again. Scott made a mental note that he should avoid that man at any cost, if he even had the intention of finishing his time without getting himself in trouble. 

The apology never made its way out of Scott's mouth. He stared at Neil’s face first, then to that stupid 12 steps book, finding the urge to slap that thing away from his hand. Instead, he took a deep breath, trying to control his nerves for a little longer.

“Fine. Then I have to go. I shouldn’t be seen talking to you, anyway. ” He couldn’t control his choice of words, like always. So there he was again, attacking a person that only tried to be nice to him, because he was frustrated. He was an audience member to his own actions, and now he felt as if he was watching a part of his life be reprised.

Scott managed to start walking away before saying another word. Maybe he was right before. Maybe the biggest mistake was to start attending a therapy group. He's been going downhill since yesterday. 

Neil just stood there, watching Scott leave. His words already digging a hole in his stomach. Scott didn't want to be seen with him. Scott was ashamed of him. 

But he had been so kind the night before… ‘He was kind because he didn't know how fucked up you were.’ Neil was about to cry, to breakdown in the middle of the room. But he managed to remain in one piece until Adam finished talking with Mike. 

“Adam, can I show you my book?” Neil asked, approaching Adam before anybody else could. 

Adam was satisfied to see Neil there, really committed to the 90 meetings in 90 days. He had been waiting to talk to him since the moment he entered the room. “Of course, Neil. Come here, let’s sit and talk.”

He guided Neil to the bench on the corridor, where they could talk without anyone listening. 

“Is there anything you want to tell me?” 

That new guy, Scott, was surrounding Neil the day before. Right before the moment he came to talk, no less. You didn't have to be a genius to comprehend what was going on there.

New people in the group made the newcomers regress on their steps. This was more common than he would like to admit. But he was determined to stop that influence before it dragged Neil down completely. 

“I just wanted to show you some things that I wrote.” Neil answered with his anxious voice. His hands shaking a little when he looked for the right page. 

“I, aah…” He scratched an eyebrow with his bandaged hand. “I don't know if I wrote what was asked. I didn't understand the task.” Neil had his eyes fixated on the book, avoiding Adam’s direct eye contact. 

“Did you break your sobriety because of Scott?” He took the book to check it, but he had to be direct. The hesitation that showed with Neil’s expression was a confession, and it was Adam’s obligation to take the correct measures in such a situation. 

“Oh, let me clarify. Did you break your sobriety with Scott?” Adam closed the book. “Did he manipulate you in anyway?” 

Neil was taken aback due to the sudden questions, not concentrated enough to keep avoiding Adam’s eye contact anymore. He smiled nervously. “...I like girls, Adam.” His gaze got low again. “Scott… he is just…” The words weren’t there to describe Scott. “Why would he even like me in first place?”

Adam put the book away, gathering all his self-control not to curse and lose his composure in front of his newcomer. He wanted to believe that nothing had happened yet, but Neil’s words were an indirect affirmation. 

“If you keep protecting him, I won’t be able to request his departure.” Adam stared at him, worried. But Neil needed support, not charges. “We can start over, Neil. This is not the end of the world. It’s a hard walk, don’t you think I don’t know that.”

Resting his hand on Neal's shoulder, he gave a gentle and comforting squeeze. “Avoid Scott from now on until I figure out what to do with him. And if he insists, please, call me. Anytime.”

Neil pressed his fingers against his eyes, trying not to melt down right there. “We didn't… He didn't touch me. We just went to have dinner.” He gazed at his hand, shaking slightly. 

“It all went downhill when I got home. I… touched myself.” His eyes began to water. “I didn't… you know… finish, but… I'm scared.” He met Adam’s eyes again. “I'm having thoughts I shouldn't be having.”

Adam knew Neil was telling the truth now, but it was Scott that triggered this anxiety and what came after. “First of all, it’s okay, Neil. We all have our moments of relapse, and it’s always an okay time to start over.”

He stopped talking for a moment, giving Neil some time to absorb his words, before making the most of his next line of questioning. 

“What kind of thoughts are scaring you, Neil?”

Neil bite his lower lip, ashamed of what he was about to confess. “I was in my bathroom and… I just… I couldn't hold it anymore. I started thinking about the videos, the porn… but then… I… There was this girl and we…” It as so difficult to get the words out of his mouth. “We were having sex… but she didn't want it.” 

A tear escaped Neil's eye, but he washed it away with a fast swipe of his arm. 

“Listen to me,” he kept the hold on the shoulder, reaffirming he was by his side. “You’re just human, Neil. We all have disturbing thoughts, especially when we are going through a stressful period. You were passing through the most difficult time, after eleven days of sobriety, you didn’t have that motivation and that is normal at the beginning. It’s not different from a drug addict, after days of abstinence your body will push you to the limit. And this might include hallucinations or the incapacity to control your mind.”

Adam took a deep breath, remembering Mike, and what he would say if he was in his place. “The most important thing is to remember your morals. You would never actually do something like that. It’s only a nightmare, but more vivid.” 

Neil nodded. It was always a good thing to talk to Adam, he always had the right things to say. “Thank you.” He gave Adam a sad, but grateful smile.

 

After the meeting, Neil went to Central Park to read a little. He had a bunch of books Adam had recommended to him, and he needed to catch up. So, Neil bought a big pretzel in one of the stands and sat under a tree in a quiet space in front of the lake. 

Scott didn’t come back to his work after the meeting. Instead, he called his boss with an excuse, although it was true he wasn’t feeling well and not capable of continuing his day.

And he tried, he really tried to follow Neil’s advice and move his energy to something else. But it was all tasteless, meaningless. He mind would wander faster than he could control, and would always come back to Neil.

He couldn’t just forget the way he looked wasted at the meeting, and how stupid he was to mistreat Neil when it was so obvious this was his fault. And Scott hated himself for that, but what stressed him the most was the fact he was so easily dismissed by the other.

His IPhone was in his hand before he could notice. Scott considered sending him a message, but he knew he would probably receive no answer. Without being capable of dealing with such an idea, he pressed the icon of the green phone, calling Neil.

“Come on, Neil, pick up.” He groaned with himself. “Don’t leave me hanging here.”

“...Hello?” Neil answered after several rings. “...Scott, this is not a good idea. I really need to concentrate on my progress right now.” He added when there was no answer back, having Adam’s words pretty present in his mind. 

“I need to talk to you, as I said before, one minute.” If Neil didn’t even want to talk to him through his phone, he wouldn’t agree to meet Scott in person. 

“I just wanted to apologize. About last night. About what I said to you at the meeting. I’m not…” He was not what? “I’m not a monster.” But he felt like one.

Neil rested the back of his head on the tree, “Listen… Adam has already an idea about you and I, although I don't completely agree with it, I need to follow his advice.” A long pause, “...He thought I had lost my sobriety with you…” 

“He isn’t completely wrong, Neil.” He was trying to fix the way their relationship had begun, so it was better for him to just shoot the truth. “I would have done it, if you had given me the chance. Even if it wasn’t part of my plans when I texted you.”

Scott hesitated, knowing he wouldn’t want to know the answer. And also having in mind how wrong things got the last time he asked Neil such a personal question. “But it was my fault you broke your sobriety, right? I made you anxious and scared yesterday.”

All that information was too much to process. “Why… why would you say that?.” Neil stood up, a goose was getting too damn close to him.

“I’m saying that because if we’re going to be friends, I guess I need to be honest with you…” Scott stopped, frowning. “Is that the honk of a goose? Where are you now?” 

“Yes, I'm at Central Park near the lake, and there's a freaking goose trying to bite me.” Neil was walking backwards now, trying to shoo the animal with his book. “Shit, I lost my pretzel.” The pretzel was now on the grass. It had slipped away, since it had been in the same hand as the book. 

The goose seemed to be entertained with the new treasure on the ground. “Scott, listen. The truth is… yes, you made me anxious, and yes, you scared me a little. But I don't blame you.”

Neil got closer to the lake side. “I need to start my countdown again. But I can't… focus right now because you just said you would had done it with me.” He shot his eyes closed. 

Scott closed his eyes, only now realizing how huge of a mistake it was to confess. “I’m so sorry again.” He didn't want to give Neil problems, that was true, but deep down, he was unable to feel actually sorry to cause a reaction on Neil.

This was messed up. He saw in person how Neil was falling apart at the meeting, and even with the guilt eating at his insides, he was still thirsty to tell Neil all the details about what he wanted to do with him.

“I need a sponsor. I need a sponsor with urgency.” Scott was also aware that it was better for them if he didn't bother Neil anymore. 

But it gave him the sensation he was walking away from Rachel again. And that thought alone was enough to tear him apart.

Neil nodded, agreeing completely. “I can help you with that. I know plenty of good ones. I can… show you how to use the 12 steps book and… help you get rid of all your fancy technology.” He finally smiled, but it wasn't a happy one. 

There was a moment of silence, but then, “...Scott” Another long pause, “Before my countdown begins again, can you… tell me what... “ Neil couldn't believe he was asking that, “...Can you tell me what could have happened yesterday?” He hated himself for asking that. 

Scott spent a few seconds with no capacity to give a straight answer, surprised with the last question. 

"Remember when you asked how I could be so calm and collected when the majority of waitresses in the restaurant were wearing skirts? I wasn't exactly relaxed." That agitated feeling boiling inside moved all to his belly, pulsing. Neil wasn't making Scott's life easier now. 

"I texted you because I was trying to pass a night without sex, but it didn't take long to make me realize how it backfired. The effort it took for me not to touch you made me dizzy. I was so busy trying to focus on how you were recovering, and so totally out of my limits that I hadn't even realized the skirt problem. And believe me, more than once a hot waitress or waiter was enough to ruin my date."

He shifted on his couch uncomfortably. His body was responding to this talk and an unwanted hard-on was filling his pants. "You're adorable, Neil, and it would be such a turn on to tease you in public. If I had the chance, your sobriety would have ended before we could leave the restaurant."

Since they were talking about it, Scott wouldn’t feel more guilty if he asked the last question. “Have you ever been with a guy?”

Neil got out of his trance, not realizing til that moment he had been in one. “Me?” His voice came out as a crack, so he had to clear his throat, “...N-No, I'm not…” He wasn't what? Gay? Bisexual? Bicurious?. But he also was smart enough to know a sex addict couldn't be labeled. 

“...I’m not exactly that… active.” Neil added. 

“I wish I could see your face now. And I’m happy I didn’t pose this question yesterday.” Scott tried, but couldn’t control his laugh of how embarrassed Neil got with that simple question. “We were already in the official make out point, and you told me you were an outsider so you didn’t get much fun in places like that in the past. I would be your first!”

Neil grabbed his backpack. Now that the goose had lost interest in the pretzel, it would surely come for him again. “Scott, I didn't think I… would be having this conversation over the phone.” He could feel his heart jumping from one beat to another, and that wasn't the only part of his body that was responding.

That was too much for Scott. Neil said he didn’t start his countdown yet, right? So being amused by this couldn’t be so wrong. “Why Neil?” He lowered his voice a bit. After all, Neil was in public just like the night before. Adam would probably hate him after that. “How is this conversation affecting you?”

“I'm walking out of the park, but I need to have my backpack in front of me…” He was already tired of walking so fast, and with that discomfort. “Listen, I need to hang up, but… can… can you come over?” Neil immediately realized how that sounded. “I don't… mean it like that. I just… I have an extra copy of the 12 steps book in my apartment… I would like to give you.”

“Neil, you’re asking too much for my self control.” Scott sighed, noticing how he needed a bath before anything. “But I think I need this book.” And he needed to see Neil. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea, but he didn’t feel like he had much of a choice. “I promise I’ll behave. Anyway, I'll see you in an hour?”

Neil nodded, forgetting Scott couldn't see him. “Sure. I'll see you then.” He hung up before anything else could happen. “Sorry, Ma’am.” He apologized when he almost crashed with a lady.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are going to leave this for you :-*

[](http://s306.photobucket.com/user/Malle182/media/Mobile%20Uploads/IMG-20170625-WA0002.jpg.html)

When the hour almost had past, Neil was pacing from one wall to another in his apartment. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe the whole thing was a mistake. What if Adam was completely right? What if Scott had only joined the group to be a predator? After all, what better place to look for vulnerable prey like a voluntary gathering of people seeking help? 

Scott was used to being late to all his appointments, but when he rang the bell at Neil’s home, it was barely one hour after the phone call. Obviously, he spent a considerable time in the shower, because it was better for them if he was chilled before meeting Neil. Now, it would be torturous to see him when his own countdown started, but he could deal with that later. He chose the right clothes that would not give the impression he was on a date. He practically jumped out the car, not wanting to delay this any further.

The funniest part was that he didn’t even know what the utility of the book was.

 

Neil opened the door immediately. He had managed to calm himself by just doing some breathing exercises. A great tactic in his way to recovery. But then there he was Scott, looking as… handsome? Hot? What?... as he always looked. Neil simply allowed him to enter, and handed him the book without much delay, without even saying a word. 

“So, that’s the book.” It was all he could say when Neil shoved the object to him. He sounded really obvious, but that tension between them was confusing his thoughts, and the fact that it was a forbidden thing only made it more intense for him.

He felt like he should leave, though he didn’t even understand why his rational self was still trying so hard. “What should I do with this and its… exercises?” He was leafing through the book, sharing his attention with something else besides Neil. “No cell phones, no sex, homework, this is school all over again?”

“No, it gives you the tools for…” Neil approached and flipped the pages to find the one he desired. “You are suppose to fill in each section each time you are about to have a meeting with you sponsor, that way he can see your progress. See?” He pointed out some steps. “It also gives you small tasks, tips, and guidance through the whole process.”

“Oh, how fun.” Scott said, with no empolgation at all. “They really don’t want us to enjoy the progress, huh?”

Finally he looked at Neil. He closed the book and kept in mind that at least it would be great to perhaps, in the long run, give Neil the gift of sleep. “It’s a subliminal message: Don’t fall for your addiction again, or you’ll have to go through this bullshit once more.” He shouldn’t be enjoying Niels scent so much, or start breathing a little more deeper when he was close.

“Well, if you relapse you can skip the first chapter, since it's just…” Shit, Scott was so damn close, and Neil could see how his clothes fit perfectly around his body, specially in the chest area… and the abdomen… and the belly… and… “Would you like something to drink? Or to eat?” Neil hurriedly inquired. 

“Something to drink, please.” He should be concerned about the amount of alcohol he was ingesting, but he also needed to render his senses numb now. He took the hint to step away, giving Neil - and himself - some space.

Neil went to open the fridge and took out a beer bottle. He didn't drink much, but he always happened to have some kind of alcohol around. “Mike would be the right sponsor for you.” He handed the beer to Scott. “He's been sober for 15 years now. Of course, he is married… Being sober after you’ve finish the program doesn't mean being a monk, but to… be able to control your impulses, you know? Avoid porn, getting in trouble… sleeping around.”

Neil rested his lower back on the kitchen counter, “It means to have a normal life. With or without a significant other.”

Scott didn’t mean to interrupt Neil’s dreams of a normal life, but he couldn’t stop the laugh that came out of him. 

“And that’s the life Mike and Adam want us to have.” He said, while accepting the beer. “Finding a significant other, marrying, thinking about having children. Maybe moving to a suburban house with nice neighbours.” Scott tried to be sarcastic, but his voice came out more bitter than anything. “How safe. What could go wrong?”

He drank from the bottle, grimacing. “This is the strongest thing you have? It looks like water.” 

“I, aah… I think I have some bottles here…” Neil opened a lower cabinet. “Yes, tequila…” He began to take out some bottles, “An unopened whiskey… Is this vodka? Yes. Oh, and some other drinks Dede brought when she came around.”

“Let me see,” Scott said, smiling again. “Did I already say how adorable you are? You barely know how to recognize vodka. Let’s get this tequila, it’s so much more fun.” God blessed this Dede who put some hidden liquid happiness in here. “Tell me you have lemon and salt. It’s the basics to make a decent drink.”

“I do, actually.” Neil took out what he was asked, feeling proud of himself for having what Scott wanted. “I'm not much of a tequila fan. I had the worst hangover three years ago, when I was 25.”

Scott reached for a knife to slice the lemon. “I’ll make you a fan of tequila. If you drink it correctly, it will compensate for all the hangover suffering.” He said, while opening the bottle and filling two shot glasses.

“You know the game, right? Salt.” He spread the salt on the back of his own hand only to clean it with his tongue right after. “Tequila.” He drank the whole shot at once. “And lemon.” He put a slice in his mouth, making a satisfying noise with the left taste. 

Turning to Neil, he offered the other a glass with tequila. “So, it's your turn. Are you in?”

“I can try.” Neil took the salt and poured some on the back of his hand. Licked it, and then drank the whole shot. “Oh, it's so strong! I can't! Where's the freaking lemon!” 

“Come on, Neil, I swear this gets easier.” He held out a slice of lemon, coming close to Neil. “Open your mouth, and enjoy the taste and feeling. I’m serious, this game is almost an art.” He laughed again, with his own presentation.

The bitterness of the lemon helped a lot, making Neil actually enjoy the drink. “I have to admit it's not that bad.” He left the empty small glass on the counter, “I drank from a girl's belly once. You won't believe how much liquid that girl could hold in her bellybutton.”

Scott had to keep in mind that Neil was kind of ingenuous, so there was no provocation of any kind in his words. He shouldn’t get ideas. “That’s the best way to drink tequila, I can’t compete with that.” He served himself another shot, looking at Neil in silence for a few moments. “I can barely imagine you participating in a party filled with body shots.”

“Nah, I just went because we were celebrating the end of the medical residency. I didn't know most of the people there, but I have to admit I had a good time.” He didn't protest when Scott prepared him another shot. “I even made out with a girl.”

“What a wild party.” Scott leaned on the table smiling and staring at Neil directly. “How long since the last time you made out with a girl?” He forgot the lemon and the salt for a moment, drinking only his shot, without taking his eyes off Neil. That was a hell of a personal question, but he was already drunk enough to stop himself.

Neil smiled, the hotness of the tequila already traveling through his system. “There was this young nurse… Way before I entered the program. She, uhm…” He started playing with the shot between his hands. “She said she liked me.” Neil stopped a little, remembering. “We made out on my couch. She… she let me grind it over her panties.” That confession was too much, making Neil drink the new shot faster than the first one, following the whole process again. 

Scott practically drank every single word that came out of Neil’s lips. “Doctor and nurse. How classic.” He took the next shot, chewing the lemon languidly before talking again. “And I also like you, even if I’m not a hot nurse.”

He thought about taking another shot, but he was too hypnotized to look away from Neil now. “So, I guess grinding is your thing.” No amount of alcohol would numb his feelings now. “Mine is definitely public spaces. I don’t think we are too different.” 

“So, are you… you know… gay?” Neil would have never guessed that by just looking at Scott. He seemed too… straight? But he also had learned that most of the time a sex addict didn’t discriminate.

"Bisexual." Scott corrected. He actually never thought he would be attracted to guys before his marriage. "I had a wife, remember? And I've had sex with more women than men."

He finally broke the eye contact to serve himself another shot. "And you're straight, right?" He asked with a smile, since he could imagine the answer. "Only into girls?"

“Oh, yes. Your wife.” Neil rubbed the table, feeling a little nervous. “I like girls, yeah, but… I've never been in love with one. And guys… well… I guess I'm a little intimidated by them, you know? In the sexual way…” Why did Scott make him be so open about himself? “With a girl, I know I can control the situation. But with a man…”

"Are you afraid to lose control?" Scott felt his arms moving before he could plan anything, and his hands reached Neil's shirt to pull him closer, straddling him there with his legs. 

Fuck, maybe he would regret it later. But how wrong this could be? The tension between them was about to explode, they need it. And this was different from a one night stand filled with drugs, or touching girls in the subway.

"Were you In control when you drank tequila off the girl's belly? Or when you came from grinding on your nurse?"

Neil felt a little shocked by the sudden loss of personal space, but was immediately distracted by his crotch touching Scott's. “What are you…?” He put his hands on Scott's chest, but couldn't go anywhere far since the kitchen counter was right behind him. 

“I’m asking you a question.” Something inside Scott was telling him to go slow, but he wasn’t able to pay attention to this inner voice now. “And you’re not answering.”

Neil's hands pushed Scott a little harder, but that didn't seem to have any effect on him. “Y-yes… I was in control when I… when I was with those girls.” He could smell Scott's musk from there, and it was intoxicating. “A girl is not as strong as a man.”

“If” he emphasized the word, trying not to make Neil freak out. “We were going to be together, and I let you do both things to me.” Scott gave a pause, believing that Neil’s breath of tequila could only be described as delicious. “Would you still feel in control?”

A sound that couldn’t be described as human left Neil's mouth. “...Please…” His voice was trembling, and his erection already noticeable. His hands, not controlled by his rational self anymore, traveled lower on Scott's chest, positioning just above his belt. 

“If you want me to stop, I’ll stop.” Scott said, pressing his legs around Neil with more strength so he could feel his erection against his own. “But I want you so much.”

He caressed his arms, raising his hands to hold Neil’s face. “This can’t be wrong.” He verbalized what he kept telling himself. “It’s so different from what makes us addicted.”

Neil stepped on his tiptoes, not being able to hold himself any longer. He felt how his body raised, creating even more friction between both of them. He captured Scott's lips in a chaste kiss, feeling a strong body against him for the very first time, since he had always been into petite girls. 

Scott’s lips were soft, and the stubble didn’t bother Neil at all. He moved his own lips a little, just to hold Scott's bottom lip between his, then did the same with the upper lip, just tasting him. 

Scott was caught off guard. When was the last time he had been kissed like that? Sweet, slow, discovering his partner, rather than the sloppy and full of tongue kiss that was only a preliminar for fucking.

He moved his hand to hold to the back of Neil's neck, moving his fingers softly between the curly hair, while letting him play with his lips. He was so smooth and adorable in everything he did that Scott felt again that he was corrupting Neil, ripping him apart with his claws.

But this was so good, how could he stop?

He let Neil play with the kiss for as long as possible, only then to take control, bending him over in a way that Neil's head had to incline backwards.

Sliding his tongue between his lips slowly, he held his chin to keep his head in the right place while exploring his mouth. That was so intense and unusual that Scott felt like he could finish in his jeans from just the kiss.

Neil broke the kiss only to take in some air, moving his head to the side, making Scott's mouth land on his cheek. “I'm hard.” He said, his pants already so uncomfortably tight on his crotch area. His hands were now holding Scott's shirt, just to avoid losing balance in case his legs didn't respond anymore. 

"So am I." Scott kept his lips against his cheek, sucking the skin lightly. He could feel his own heavy breath colliding with Neil's face. 

"What do you wanna do, Neil?" He traveled his hands to Neils back, caressing him. "Bodyshots? You wanna come on me?" His own hips responded at his words, moving against Neil's in a way that he could feel his erection directly in his crotch. "Or do you want to stop? Please, don't choose the last one." Scott gave a smile on his cheek, lowering his lips to move the open mouthed kiss to Neil's jaw.

“I wanna see you.” Neil responded, keeping his head turned aside. “I wanna see how hard you are.” He closed his eyes, “I’ve never seen another guy’s cock before… I mean, in person.” He turned his head to face Scott again, “Then I'm gonna touch myself… and come on your leg.” 

Groaning with Neil's words, Scott didn't move away from his face immediately, running his tongue along his jaw, searching for his lips again. He nipped at the corner, only to suck on his lower lip slowly.

"Anything you want." His voice came out husky, as he took Neils hand and guided to his waistband, making him open his fly and zip. 

"Look how hard you make me." Scott was breathless against his lips as he guided his hand under his underwear, reaching his manhood. "You've been torturing me since yesterday."

His free hand wandered until it rested at Neil's belt, waiting there in a request. "Are you sure you don't want me to do this for you?" He wasn't used to let other people take control over him, but it wouldn't harm to let Neil feel the taste of power.

To say Neil was breathless would be an understatement. He was about to pass out. The hand on Scott's crotch felt so hot, his cock so hard and thick… Neil could barely process what was happening. “...Do it…” He said, without paying much attention to the question. 

A thrill crossed Scott’s body when Neil gave him the consent. “Shhh, relax.” Passing one arm around his waist to give him support, he reached Neil’s crotch with the other one, fondling his cock over the jeans. “I’ll take care of you now.” Neil’s hand on his own member was still making him pant quietly, but his words were steady. 

This was so intimate, so irresistible, he could feel Neil pulsating under his jeans. “How does it make you feel?” He asked hoarsely, his lips brushing against Neil’s ear. “Talk to me.” His hand still over his jeans. It looked like it had been a long while since Neil actually had sex, and he had no intention of letting him come prematurely.

Neil had some trouble finding his voice, but at the end he managed to concentrate under the pressure of Scott's hand. “Scared…” He moved his hand, feeling Scott's thickness more clearly. “I like when you're touching me. But I'm… scared.” He could smell the alcohol in Scott's breath, “I'm afraid of how much you turn me on. I've never…” Neil was struggling with his own words, “...I'm not… I'm not gay.”

Neil's father had been a pretty homophobic man, and his mother was a conservative close minded woman. She didn't know about his addiction, but Neil was sure she would be more upset about finding out his son was gay, than a sexual addict. “...I don't want to be gay.” He finally whispered.

Once again, Scott wasn’t expecting such answer. He tried to remember his first experience with a man, but at the time he was too wasted, too desperate and out of his mind to have any doubts or other feeling besides the seek of relief.

“Sexuality can be a fluid thing, Neil.” He also didn’t remember any time he had worried about how his partner felt in regards to his/her sexuality. “Enjoy now, and let’s worry about later.”

In a sudden move, Scott let go of Neil, and spun him around so he could hold him again and press his chest to Neil's back. 

“And it doesn’t mean you’ll want to have sex with another man ever again.” His hand found its way inside Neil’s pants and underwear. “I don’t think any of them will make you feel as turned on as you are now.” Scott bit his earlobe, pulling it softly between his teeth, and holding his hot manhood, skin against skin.

Neil was a little taken aback by the sudden move, but he couldn't react until he was already facing the counter, his hand supporting himself on it. A loud moan escaped his lips when he felt Scott's hand all the way up his hard member, and felt Scott's manhood against his lower back at the same time. 

“Please, Scott… I need to come.” If Scott had been a girl, Neil probably would have come already. Not by actual penetration, but by rubbing himself against her ass. But Scott had taken control since the beginning, no matter how much he said otherwise, and that was making Neil anxious. 

Scott stopped his movements, holding the base of his cock firmly to prevent Neil from having his orgasm. His voice was so uneasy. For the first time, he noticed a huge difference between Neil and Rachel. While she would let him take control and enjoy it, he was falling apart again. It made him remember Megan, and how she let him take hold of her body and life until the day she couldn’t stand anymore.

“If you want the control, take it.” He whispered against his neck, still pressing his hips on Neil’s. “I won’t force you to do anything, but if you want dominance, fight for it.” 

Neil closed his eyes, the grip on the base of his cock feeling too painful. “...I don't want to fight you.” He managed to say. Just then he took his right hand from his own cock, and put it on Scott's, “You're hurting me…” He whispered, realizing he shouldn't be saying that to a person he had just met. Hell, he shouldn't be saying that to a person at all! 

Bitterness raised in Scott's chest, and his painful memories that he tried so hard to repress came to the surface all at once. He pressed Neil against the counter harder, starting to move his hand along his cock again.

Everything was different now. He wasn't feeling their connection anymore, he didn't feel like he cared anymore, it was all about release and a primal need. No soft words, no other contact than their hips and his hands on Neils crotch.

"Just do it, then." He pressed Neil's back, making him bend even more over the counter, and urging his cock faster. "I give you the permission to come." This addition was only to make clear, only to remember that Scott had the power and control.

Neil couldn’t concentrate anymore once Scott began to move his hand. He just managed to put his hands on the kitchen counter, looking for the necessary support to maintain his position. Scott's breath was on the back of his neck, and Neil wanted to kiss him so badly, but he only reached the crock of Scott’s neck with his lips. And they couldn't even form a proper kiss, so Neil simply buried his eyes and forehead there, feeling way too vulnerable for his liking.

It didn't have to pass much time for Neil to come. He did it in Scott's hand, filling the room with soft moans and small cries. His legs almost gave out when his orgasm hit him harder than Neil had expected. He might have said it was one the best orgasms he has ever had, with Scott's hand knowing what he was doing the whole time. 

After catching some air, Neil realized the boner at his back was still there, firm as ever. “You… You still…” He put all his weight on his arms, over the counter, looking for support. “Oh, God…”

Scott still managed to give a smile when Neil spilled on his hand, leaving small kisses on his neck while waiting for Neil to recover. 

He dismissed Neil with a gesture. "Don't need to freak out, I can take care of myself." His chest was a mess with all the bursting feelings that Neil had awakened. Scott slowly let go of Neil, leaning his weight on the table behind him once more.

"Just stay where you are." He just needed to reach his orgasm, then everything would fall into place. An orgasm that would erase all those feelings and blind him.

Scott slipped his hand, still dirty with Neil's seed, inside his jeans, and held his own cock. "Let me see you while I come." He let out a low groan.

Neil turned to Scott, still out of breath, his cheeks flushed with a bright pink tone. He looked at him, looked at his erect member in his hand. Scott was so… perfect. His body was amazing, and just the sight of him masturbating in front of Neil was enough to make him want to touch himself again. 

“Can… Can you kiss me while you do that?” Neil dared to ask. 

He didn't answer the request immediately, enjoying the view of how flushed Neil was, how his eyes were still glowing and without focus after his orgasm, and thinking that there was still so many things he wanted to do with him. It looked like his member would never stay soft in his presence.

"Come here." Scott growled, holding his shirt and pulling Neil close to him to reach his lips. He pumped his hands faster on his manhood, kissing Neil lustfully as he wanted to devour him.

Neil let Scott guide the kiss, not putting any resistance in at all. He put his hands on Scott's sides, gripping his shirt there. The tongue inside his mouth tasted like tequila and cigarettes, and Neil couldn’t hold back the urge any longer… He lead his right hand to Scott's cock, joining the thrusts of the other hand. “Let me do it.” Neil found himself saying before realizing what he was doing, but didn't regret it one bit. “Please… tell me how do you prefer to come…”

Scott wanted to ask if he was sure about it, but he had passed the point where he could refuse anything.

He let Neil take over the action, using both his hands to hold his jaw, keeping his face still while he returned to exploring his mouth properly. “Let me come on you. On your hand. On your hips.” Neil wasn’t ready for more than that. 

Scott wiggled, tangling his own body with Neil’s and letting a silent pant come out of his mouth. “Continue. I’m getting so close. So close.”

Neil got closer, letting Scott's member get in contact with his own skin. He quickened the movements, and found himself panting in Scott's mouth, feeling the sequel of his own previous orgasm. “Come… please. I want… I want to know I made you come. That I made you feel good.”

“You make me feel so good.” He mumbled, biting Neil’s lips between his words. Scott’s hips thrusted into his hand, looking for as much friction as he could, digging his fingernails into his shoulders and looking for support on Neil, as he reached his orgasm, making him quiver and constric his muscles in a spasm. 

It didn’t seem enough, he was still so unsatisfied, craving for so much more.

For now, he kissed Neil one last time, giving himself a moment to recover his own breath, and let all the small moans escape his mouth while the feeling of the orgasm still lasted.

Neil let Scott enjoy the moment as much as he wanted, but eventually he took a step back to take some napkins to clean himself up. He handed some to Scott as well. 

Everything was the same, but everything seemed so different at the same time. Neil remained silent while cleaning himself, trying to collect his thoughts. There seemed to be a thousand voices in his head. “...You can take a shower if you want to.” Neil offered. His voice was still a little nervous, The alcohol making him dizzy. 

“Too soon to ask you to join me?” Scott finished cleaning himself with a laziness on his voice. He fastened his jeans back up. “And too soon to spend the night here, I guess?” 

He surrounded Neil again, without giving him much space, holding his chin to make him look his way. “Are you okay, Neil?”

Neil blushed, lowering his gaze. “...You… you can stay if you want to, but…” Gosh, he was feeling like a high schooler again. “I'm not… I… Can we take things a little slow, I mean… in terms of, you know… penetration, and stuff?”

“As slow as you need.” Scott smiled despite his worries, still having so many questions regarding his sexual life, but he controlled himself. It wasn’t in his plans to get hard again. 

“Cuddle is fine? Maybe lay on the couch and watch a movie together?” He was only teasing Neil, although he actually felt the need to be close to him, not matter what kind of closeness. “Anything that won’t make us feel guilty at the meetings?”

Neil smiled, but it wasn't a happy one. “I'm going to feel guilty at the meeting tomorrow no matter what.” He gave Scott a small kiss on the chin. “But Adam doesn't have to know, alright?” He took in some air, already wishing to skip the meeting tomorrow. “Oh, and Scott… I don't have a TV.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For you with love :D

[](http://s306.photobucket.com/user/Malle182/media/Mobile%20Uploads/IMG-20170625-WA0002.jpg.html)

Neil woke up slowly. The first thing he saw was his bedside clock announcing that it was 10:37 a. m. He raised his head from the pillow, feeling a sudden pain that made him remember last night. All the drinking, Scott getting out of the shower with only a towel around his waist, them ‘trying’ to cuddle, but always ending up making out…

Scott was gone, but he had left a little note:

Sorry I had to go without saying goodbye,  
but I didn't want to wake you up.  
I'll see you at the meeting after work.  
Scott

‘Shit, the meeting.’ Neil thought. He didn't want to see Adam, nor face his questions. He didn't want to see Mike, and listen to his stupid advice… or Dede, with her… her what? He didn't exactly know, he just knew he wanted to be with Scott and forget about his shitty life for once. 

 

At the elementary school, Adam arrived earlier than usual, and was surprised to noticed Scott was just arriving as well, for he was parking a Harley Davidson motorcycle. He was taking off his helmet and wiping a bit of sweat from his brow. 

“I didn't know you were into motorcycles.” Adam commented. He got out of his car and came closer to Scott.

“Quite a nice ride you have right there.”

Scott’s day was going just fine until the moment he managed to arrive at the meeting at the same time as Adam- Who, of course, had to come and talk to him immediately. Scott sensed this was a bad omen to continue with his day. 

“You don’t know much about me, Adam.” He tried not to be too much on defensive, but he wasn’t sure he was succeeding. In another situation, he would have cared less about what a guy like Adam thought of him, but he was well aware of the influence this guy had on Neil. He didn’t want to mess things up between them now.

“But I guess you understand about vehicles. Your car isn't bad at all.” 

That was Scott’s way of keeping the conversation civilized. And even better, to put an end to it altogether. 

Adam smiled, not buying his avoiding words. “What's your deal with Neil, Scott?” He asked straight away. “‘Cus since you appeared he has been anxious and restless. He was doing actually pretty good...” He licked his lips, not taking his eyes off of Scott. “We can identify assholes like you right away. People like you that just come here looking for vulnerable people. They come here all the time.”

Adam got a little closer, “Listen, if you want help I can get you a sponsor, but if you are not willing to change - since you clearly have a problem- then you'll have to leave the group.” He sighed, “As you see, we are very protective of our new sponsored members, like Neil.”

“So, no preambles, right? Straight to the point.” Scott stared right back at Adam, totally forgetting the friendly facade.

“Allow me to be clear about one other thing: if Neil is anxious and restless, you’re the one who's allowing it. You are the sponsor, not me.” Scott snapped back in response. He rested his helmet on the motorcycle, not intending to get into a physical fight, but still keeping himself prepared for the possibility of one.

“And believe me, if my intention was only to take advantage of Neil, I wouldn’t need to be here anymore. But now, knowing the way you people welcome who comes looking for help, I understand why Neil is falling apart like that.” He understood that Adam was 100% correct in his accusations and that he was attacking him, but he was not going to stand there and let that modern dandy spit threats at him.

“Like I said, Scott - If you need help, you are going to get it. You'll have our full support; but Neil… he's fragile. He’s improved and come through so much you have no idea, and for someone to come here and shatter all his progress is simply not fair.” 

Taking in some air, Adam tried to relax a little. He didn't want to make a scene in the school parking lot, after all. “I know I shouldn't be telling you this but, have you any idea what can happen if he doesn't complete the program in time?” He was looking at Scott directly in the eye. “He can go to jail.” 

Adam hated to mention Neil's court situation, but Scott wasn't giving him much of an option. “We still don't know if his boss is going to press charges against him. I don't know if he has already told you, but he got caught filming up his boss’s skirt. He could also lose his licence.”

Adam took out a yellow folder from his leather briefcase and opened it to reveal some documents and a blue card. “This is Neil's court card. I, as his sponsor, need to sign it daily as long as he is succeeding in the program, along with writing down his progress in a diary to present to the court.” The card had the top two lines already filled up with dates and signatures. “Now, all this is useless garbage because he failed in his countdown... again.”

Putting the papers back in the briefcase, Adam looked how a couple of cars were already getting in the parking lot, looking for a space.

“You say that if your intention was only to take advantage of Neil, then you wouldn't be here anymore-” His tone was not as defensive as before, but still laced with disappointment. “-Well… that means you already got what you wanted, didn't you?” Adam put the carrier bag strap on his shoulder. “Have you had sex with Neil?”

Scott was prepared for anything: any sort confrontation, more threats, or even to be punched- But not for that conversation, and for all that well known guilt to come back and eat away at his insides.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Scott immediately answered in a panic, remembering how Neil asked for Adam to know nothing about what happened. “I meant that we’re already close, even if I stopped coming here I would still see him.”

That didn’t sound like the best excuse he could give, but he had more on his mind now than Adam’s disappointment.

“And if we’re going to try and have some sort of neutral coexistence here, you have to stop with all these implications that I came here looking for vulnerable people and that I got close to Neil only to have sex with him.” Scott wasn’t a good person, but those accusations weren’t among his many sins. “I care about Neil. It’s not hard to like him, you should know.”

That wasn’t a solace, he guessed. If he only wanted sex, he could just forget about Neil and move on to find it somewhere else. He figured if he actually had feelings for Neil he would always be around him, like his own personal demon dragging him back to hell every time he tried to get out. 

“He won’t go to jail, and he won’t interrupt his countdown again.” At least that's what he could assure. How hard could that damn sobriety be? Even if he failed in his, it didn’t mean Neil had to follow him. 

“Just don’t… be judgemental about what may have happened.” 

Even if Adam was an addict himself, he didn’t trust him much. These were the kind of people that took personal pleasure in judging others, it didn’t matter how much they’ve been through similar situations. 

“All right, I'll give you that.” Adam said, “But if you are going to keep coming to the group, then I want you to participate more- to share your stories. To show me that you're making an effort, it doesn't matter if you don't get a sponsor just yet.” 

More people kept on coming, and the meeting was about to start. “I want you to promise me… that you really are going to help Neil.” He saw Mike getting out of his car. “If he wants to start a relationship with you after his 90-90 program, that's fine- as long as you are clean too. Otherwise, it will only drag him down again. But he really needs to complete his sobriety period. His desintoxication.” Adam offered his hand, “Is that a deal?”

Scott shook Adam’s hand firmly.

“Deal.”

It seemed to fix everything for now.  
He could be close to Neil, it was a truce with Adam, and it was a good way to get his therapist to stop breathing down his neck. He wanted to seem like he was putting actual effort into this.

He held no illusions about that sobriety time, but he kept the hope he would be able to do it somehow. “I’ll participate, share, give free hugs if I need to. I’ll even find myself a sponsor.” 

God knew he would need someone to put him in line. “Can we come in now?” If Neil found them talking, he could have an anxiety attack.

“Yes, we can.” Adam lead the way. 

 

Neil arrived when most of the members were inside. The taxi had been a slow driver, and the traffic didn't help at all. Maybe he needed to return to the bicycle, but he just hated it. 

When he spotted Scott in the middle of the group, Neil sat in the empty seat next him. “Crap, I forgot my book.” He whispered. Then, without turning his head to Scott he continued, “I didn't want to come.” His forearm had some red marks, and how he had done them was clear when he started to scratch them with his fingernails. 

Just to see how Neil was disturbed made Scott consider how right Adam was about him. At least, right with the implication that Scott wasn't good enough to Neil.

"But I'm glad you're here." Scott whispered back, holding Neil's little finger to put his hand away from his arm. "Why didn't you want to come? I can pick you up tomorrow, so you won't have to pay a cab."

Neil was still not looking at him. He had his eyes fixed on the men looking for seats, but didn't take his hand away from Scott's light grip. “I want to throw up.” He simply said, but didn't look sick at all. It was more like an excuse.

The whole day, Neil’s conscience had been restless about losing his countdown. His feelings for Scott, his job… or the lack of it, his growing impulses, his nightmares - And that had turned into anxiety- and that into something terrifying that didn't allow Neil to have a piece of mind. “Can we go do something else?” Neil took his free hand to his teeth and began to bite one of his fingernails.

“What do you want to do?” Scott asked, kind of worried to what Adam would think if he saw Neil skip meetings. Though, he was more worried with Neil than he was with relieving his own anxiety.

“Do you want to go outside for a moment? To breath some fresh air?” The guilt was to blame for the lost look in Neil’s eyes as he bit his fingernails again, but he tried to focus on how he could help now.

Neil nodded, but didn't stand up right away. “You forgot your wrist watch at my house.” Saying this, he stood up and went outside the classroom without waiting for Scott. He stayed in the now empty corridor, waiting for him now. The voice of Mike greeting others could already be heard coming from inside. 

Scott frowned for a moment, noticing only now that he was without his watch since that morning, but quickly followed Neil. “Neil, talk to me. What’s going on?” A part of him wanted to pull Neil close and hug him. 

But his biggest part didn’t even remember what it was like to be so intimate with a person without involving sex.

Neil closed his eyes and rested his back on the wall. “I'm having… I don't know if it's the alcohol I've been drinking but… my anxiety has been up here.” He made a sign with his hand, raising it. “My mom… she called me this morning. Asked me how I was…” His voice began to crack. “I just couldn’t lie anymore, Scott.”

“First of all, no more alcohol for you.” Another thing to add on the list of things that were destroying Neil because of him, but the biggest problem seemed to be on the phone call.

“What did you say to her?” Scott had his own family matters to deal with, so he empathized with how distressing this could be for Neil. He lied with his shoulder on the wall, still facing him. 

“And most important, what did she say to you?”

Neil bite his lip, frowning and containing the tears. “...I told her that I had lost my job. And when she stopped freaking out and asked why, I… I just told her…” He had to stop to take a breath. “...I told her about you as well…” He tried to smile, but failed miserably. “...She told me I was going to Hell.” The tears fell freely now, with Neil not being able to hold them anymore. 

He watched with a powerless feeling how Neil broke down in front of him, biting the inside of his own lower lip carefully. “Maybe she just needs a little bit of time…”

That sounded like bullshit in his head, and even more bullshit when he said it out loud. What was he was supposed to say? That Neil’s mother could bite his ass? That he shouldn’t care about the opinion of his own mom?

Fuck, he was terrible at trying to make people feel better.

“Neil…” He called, slowly holding his hand, trying this new contact. “I can’t do much about your mother.” Scott continued, bringing Neil closer by his hand, and locking him into a hug, caressing his neck softly with his fingers. “But I’m here by your side.”

Neil hid his face on Scott's neck, and for a whole minute he remained like that. “...I'm sorry… I'm sorry, Scott. You shouldn't have to be dealing with all this.” He separated his body from Scott's. “Can we go back to the meeting?” His eyes were red, and his cheeks pink, but he seemed to be ready. “Adam is going to be mad about me forgetting my book, I don't want to give him more reasons for that.”

“Well, at least Adam could bite my ass if he had a problem with you.” Scott kept Neil close, and still resting one hand on his neck. “Why are you apologizing when it was me who suddenly showed up and threw all my demons on you?”

He cleaned Neil’s cheeks with his fingers, although he doubted someone there would judge him for crying. Seeing the tears fall from Neils face killed him. It was concerning and scary to him how much he wanted to be a part of Neil’s life. 

“For now, let’s face the meeting. I’m pretty sure Adam will keep an eye on me from now on.”

 

The meeting was going well, but Neil didn't feel like talking at all. He had said enough outside the classroom already, and his stress level was still pretty high. Thankfully, Scott was at his side, still holding his finger to prevent him from scratching like before. 

Scott wasn’t wrong in thinking he was going to be watched. He was willing to follow the rules, even more so if this was going to give Neil extra support. That was the reason he raised his hand after a few people talked, trying to be more participative.

“Hmm, hi, I guess. I’m Scott.” It felt kind of stupid to say his name again, since everybody should knew him by now, but he continued. “Sex addict. And I guess this is the first time I say this being totally aware that I’m an addict, and that I need help.”

That was hard for him. Actually, it was tormenting. He hated to say personal things, but to say personal things in front of all those people was almost impossible. 

“Until now, I believed everything was fine with me. Well, maybe not fine, but nothing I couldn’t handle, or nothing that I thought couldn’t… I don’t know, get better? Life is the way it is, and I was skeptical about how much I could change.”

He was still skeptical, but at least he was going to give it somewhat of a chance. “But I started hurting other people besides myself with my way of life, I hurt people I didn’t want to hurt.”

Scott had no intention of talking about Neil, or mentioning how this was changing his life, mostly because he barely understood what was happening himself.

“And I also don’t want to destroy myself like this anymore. I’m here trying to remember when this problem started to control my life, and I’m discovering I can’t even remember the last time I had sex while sober. I can barely describe how is sex when you’re not doped.” Scott closed his eyes, not daring to say it out loud, but being filled with the realization that sex wasn’t his only addiction.

“So, what I mean is that I’m all in now, I need to change. I don’t want my life to continue like this.”

Mike nodded, “Thanks for sharing, Scott. We can get you a sponsor if you are willing to stick with the program.” Some claps sounded when he finished talking.

Neil was looking at Scott the whole time, processing each word said by him. He took his hand, and gave Scott a smile, “Thank you.” He whispered. 

When the meeting was over, after talking a little bit with Adam, Neil went out to the parking lot to meet Scott. “So, it seems they have the right sponsor for you. Mike is willing to take you under his wing.” He looked at the motorcycle. “Wow, that's… awesome.”

“Oh, I’m teaming up with the soccer dad. I just hope I’ll survive the process.” He was smiling, not truly complaining. It was hard to be in a bad mood with Neil- especially the way he looked shell shocked at Scott’s motorcycle. “So, you wanna try it? I have a spare helmet, I can take you for a ride.”

“What? No… no, no, no. I've never been on a motorcycle before and… no, thank you.” He didn't want to admit he would be scared to death on one. “I love them but, they just don't love me back.” He touched the seat and the handles. “I bet you never had trouble getting girls on this thing.”

“Apparently I’m having trouble now that my boy is too scared to enjoy it.” Scott held on a laugh, letting Neil free to explore the vehicle. “And I’m pretty sure she’ll love you, you just have to give her a chance.”

Neil blushed a little, “If by ‘your boy’ you mean me, then no, I'm not scared of ‘her’.” He tried to seem firm in his voice, reaffirming his words by getting on the motorcycle, though he held a death grip. “Sweet Jesus.” He whispered, a little afraid of the whole situation. “Look at me, I'm Mad Max… Mad Neil is out on the streets.”

“Alright, Mad Neil.” Scott couldn’t control a smile, thinking he was already a hero to control his impulse to squeeze Neil for being so adorable. “Slow down, or soon you’ll be wild enough to start the motorcycle.” He stood close enough to rescue Neil if he lost his balance, but still giving him some space.

“She gives me this feeling, this impulse to just ride her and run away... to never come back again. Just ride, without a destination. Keep running away forever.” He was not only confessing this for the first time to someone, as he was also trying to put into words a feeling so complex, so kept inside him that he wasn’t sure he was making any sense.

Neil stopped pretending he was riding the motorcycle a la Mad Max style, and just looked at Scott. “Is it true? What you said back there… that you use drugs?” He already knew the answer. “...What kind of drugs were you talking about, Scott?” His tone wasn't judgemental, but he did wish Scott would have talked to him personally about it instead of finding out in a meeting.

He knew this question would appear sooner or later, but he was hoping that it wouldn’t appear immediately, at least. It was obvious he wouldn’t be that lucky. “It started with ecstasy, I guess. It always starts with ecstasy.” If he had to say, it was better for him to just shoot it. “I barely considered it as a drug. It was only a way to intensify my senses, when everything was so numb for me.”

It was relieving to be able to talk to someone about it. He had been in silent for such long time.

“And you know, the story is always the same thing. One day, the first drug stops being enough, so you need something stronger. For me, it was cocaine. All that boost of energy, that euphoria seemed to be everything I was needing. Everything I still need. I’ve never thought I was addicted to it, but until recently I wouldn’t admit I was addicted to sex either.”

Scott looked at Neil again, trying to understand by his expression what he was thinking about him now. “It just looks like I’m a great problem collector.”

Neil sighed and got out of the motorcycle seat. “Gosh, Scott. Do you have any idea what all that crap does to your body?” He sighed again. “Did you, I mean… Have you been… high… while being with me?” Now he could understand the mood swings, and the constant anger related to Scott's behavior, all sequels or consequences of the drug use. 

“Not as much as I’m used to. And definitely not enough to lose my conscience or forget what I did on next day.” He had no reason to lie, Neil heard him say he didn’t even remember how sex was when sober. “And the alcohol... I guess that one you might have noticed.”

Scott sat on the motorcycle, trying to find the right words to explain. “It comes to the point where you don’t really care about what it does to your body. You don’t have any expectations in life anymore, so why would you care about your health? Nothing seems more destructive than your own feelings.”

Neil put a hand on his forehead. He had thought Scott couldn't have worst problems in his life, aside from maybe the stuff with his ex wife and his one night stands. But apart from that… Neil didn't know where to start. 

“You seriously need to leave that shit, Scott. I mean it. You have no idea how many cases I have taken care of in the E.R… Guys coming with overdoses and losing their lives, just like that… One of my last patients was this pregnant woman with a crack addiction. The baby had been dead inside of her for about 3 days.” Neil's big eyes were still a little irritated from earlier. 

“I know I'm nobody to ask you to stop using it, or to tell you to stop sleeping around with other people… but please, Scott. Please, be careful.” Neil put a hand on Scott's cheek, “I really like you. With or without your demons, but please… can you promise me you'll be careful… until you can leave all that behind?”

He couldn't condition Scott to leave it, not when he himself couldn't even complete his program. Not when he was that broken.

Scott was still concerned about how Neil would feel staying close to him while he was so messed up. He couldn’t stop the smile that appeared on his face when he thought about the fact that Neil was so worried about him.

“I need to go through a desintoxication of sex if I want to be with you, right?” Scott shrugged as it was going to be easy. “I guess I've fought worse battles”

That didn’t mean he was not taking Neil’s words seriously. “I guess we all come to a time when we have to make an effort to help ourselves. I’m lucky enough to have found a purpose to do that.”

“Yes, about that…” Neil put his empty backpack on his shoulders, remembering the forgotten 12 steps book. “I need to start my countdown ASAP… You should do the same now that Mike is your sponsor. He is pretty good.” 

Neil scratched his already irritated forearm, “I hope this won’t drive us apart, I mean… You are welcome to stay at my apartment as much as you want but… I… I really need to do this, Scott. But… I also want to be with you… Look, Mike was already married when he entered the program so, you don't necessarily have to break up your relationship with your significant other to make this work. You just need to… abstain for a while.” But Neil knew that was always way too difficult to do, especially when he had a hot man like Scott around.

“That means I’m your significant other?” Scott opened his smile even more, teasing Neil, but also not denying anything. “Adam already gave me this daddy talk.” Well, it felt like Scott was a teenager trying to convince his girlfriend’s dad how he was a good guy earlier.

“And I guess it makes it easier when you have someone to support and go through the same thing with you?” He wasn’t sure about it, especially when he considered how impossible was to keep his hands off Neil. “What I mean is: I want to be with you, even if we can’t have sex for a long period. We will have a lot of time to make up for this after.” But that was a question, they would be able to have a normal sex life again without having trouble with the addiction? It sounded like an alcoholic trying to stay away from alcohol while drinking alcohol. Or the same thing with a drug addicted.

It seemed so awful that they were addicted to something they wouldn’t just erase from their lives.

“Did… Did Adam talk to you?” If Adam had talked with Scott, then Neil was surprised he wasn't far away now. Adam could be worse than an overprotective father. 

“I'm sorry for that. I don't know what he said to you, but I'm really sorry.” Neil smiled, approaching Scott and giving him a little peck on the cheek.

“Thank you for your support… You'll have mine as well.” Another peck, “So, do you want to have dinner? I'm hungry.” He felt a little shame since he had already eaten, and had ate two doughnuts at the meeting. But that was another perk of being an anxious freak. The food. 

“Yes, he did. And I won’t say it was a pleasurable conversation for both of us, but I noticed how much he cares about you, so I guess we will find our way to get along.” Scott took advantage of the pecks on his cheeks to hold Neil in a hug, keeping him close while he realized he was actually pretty hungry too.

He hesitated for a moment, but decided that if he wanted to change, it would be a nice idea to start with the little details. 

“Where do you want to eat today?” Letting his partner choose what he wanted for dinner didn’t seem much, but it was a big step for him to lose his need of control. “Last time I chose was a disaster. I guess it’s your turn now.”

“Actually… I was wondering if we could order some pizza… at your place?” Neil dared to ask. “You know my place, but you have never even mentioned yours.” He put his hands around Scott's neck. “I bet it's lovely.”

“And now you have expectations about my home.” Scott smirked, thinking for the first time it wouldn’t be even a little bit uncomfortable to take someone to his place. “-But let’s do it, we can order pizza, drink soda, and are we allowed to watch cartoons, at least?”

He let Neil go to find another helmet under the motorcycle’s seat, handing it to Neil. “Are you ready to have the ride of your life? I promise we’ll be gentle on you.” Scott added while sitting on the vehicle, and waiting for Neil to do the same. “Be ready to never want to get inside a car again.”

Neil took a good look at the helmet, then put it on. To say he was scared of the ride was an understatement. He was terrified, and he sure let Scott know that by grabbing him way too tight.

When they finally arrived to Scott's department, Neil almost dropped to the floor, “That.. that freaking thing is way worse that my bicycle!” He immediately got distracted by Scott's apartment when they got inside the building and crossed the door. “...Scott, your place is freaking amazing.” 

It was a bachelor apartment all the way, with manly sporty decor, along with an eighty inch flat TV screen, and a big picture window from where you could watch the whole city of New York. 

“I would say you’re overreacting just like you did with the motorcycle.” Scott would never forget about the comparison with the bicycle. “But I do my best to live in a comfortable space, even with all the mess I'm dealing with.” He couldn’t stop smiling at Neil’s reaction. “I guess it'll be easy to convince you to spend some time here, right?”

Not waiting for an answer, he got his IPhone to start looking for a good pizzeria, trying not to think about the phone book he would have to use after losing the right to all his technologies. 

“So, an extra large, I guess? To celebrate our brand new sobriety? Have you ever noticed how the sizes of a pizza are described just like the sizes of condoms?” He couldn’t control the laugh. It had been too long since the last time he ate pizza.

Neil turned his face to Scott when he was about to sit on the couch, not amused. 

“You’re not making this easy, but yeah, I would like an extra large… like the man I wish to have.” He couldn't hold himself, but if Scott wanted war he could have it. 

“Oh, fuck it!” When Neil sat on the couch, he felt something under him. When he grabbed it to take it out, he discovered a used condom in his hand. He immediately threw it away, “Please, tell me that was yours!” He pleaded, running to the kitchen sink to wash his hands. 

“That’s exactly what you get for being so sassy.” Scott accused, the devilish smile still plastered on his face. 

He finished the order through the app, following Neil to the kitchen. “The first rule here is: Don’t pose questions if you don’t wanna know the answers.” And the worst part was that he couldn’t even remember if that condom was his or not. For that he would have to remember the sex, or if his hook up had been a man or a woman, and that was hard to do when he couldn’t keep himself sober.

“It won’t take long for them to deliver the pizza, but you’ll have to wait longer for the man you want.” He leaned against the door’s threshold, staring directly at Neil. “Probably a few months.”

Neil began to wash his hands for the second time. “Gosh, Scott… That condom was still fresh! When did you… No, I don't want to know.” He rinsed his hands. “Just tell me, how much time will your program last?” The lasting of each program, for each individual addict, was determined by the sponsor depending on a variety of things to take into account. 

“Mike and I didn’t settle that yet. He said he wants to know more about me and my case before stipulating the time needed.” He was thankful that he wasn’t with Adam, or he would probably put him through a ridiculous time without sex. Not that Mike wasn’t protective of Neil too. Summing it up, he was really lost.

“How long does your program last?” It would give him a nice idea about what was coming. Even if he was sure that his time would be so much longer than Neil’s.

“Well, the sobriety period can vary from 30 to 90 days. I’m in the 90-90 program. That means 90 meetings for 90 days daily… and Adam wants to try with 30 days of sobriety. He then can see if he adds more time or decides if is good for me to start trying little things, like taking the subway or using the internet.”

Neil lowered his gaze. “After that period, I can't watch porn or have multiple sexual partners. I just… can have a healthy and exclusive relationship with someone… just like Mike's.”

“I’m afraid Mike is going to put me through the longest period of sobriety. Sex can be a trigger to my other addictions, like alcohol or drugs.” Just mentioning alcohol made him want to drink something.

“And you don’t need to be so worried Neil, it’s not necessarily a bad thing to be in an exclusive relationship with someone.” Scott smiled again, although he couldn’t say Mike had what he would call life goals. He went back to the living room, considering that his kitchen was still filled with alcohol, and he had to get rid of it later. “Come here, you can sit on the couch now. I promise you won’t find anything gross in here again.” He smiled.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy! <3

[](http://s306.photobucket.com/user/Malle182/media/Mobile%20Uploads/IMG-20170625-WA0002.jpg.html)

(Four Months Later…)

“Doctor Garalla, please show in Trauma 1. Doctor Garalla, please show in trauma 1.”

Neil heard his name being called by the speakers of the hospital. He had been on his midnight lunch break at the cafeteria, but being an E.R. doctor meant he never really had a break. So, he left his half eaten sandwich and hurried to Trauma 1.

“What do we have here?” Neil asked when he entered the room full of nurses. A male body was on the surgical table, his face covered by an oxygen mask. He took some gloves as fast as he could.

“Male adult. 35. Overdose. Cocaine mixed with other substances. Pulse over 140 per minute. He called an ambulance, but was found unconscious in his apartment. He had two seizures in the ambulance and we administered… Seizure again!”

Neil hurried up to the body on the table, who was moving erratically, making all the machines beep. “I need two milligrams of…” His heart stopped. It was him. That was Scott on the table!

Neil tried to react and to stay focus on his directions. Glady, one of nurses applied what he was about to ask. “The seizure stopped! What else, doctor?”

Neil came back. “I… I need the gastric suction machine, and a litre of coal. We need to clean up his stomach and lungs.” His voice was shaking, but he needed to stay focus. Scott needed him to.

His commands were obeyed immediately, and one of the nurses approached him with a worried look on her face. “Doctor, are you alright?” She took time to ask, before helping his coworkers. Neil was confident as always, but there was something on his voice that made her want to reassure, after all, this was a hard night and they barely had a chance to rest. It would be a terrible thing if the doctor just collapsed next to the patient.

But the current patient didn’t give time to give a proper answer, a loud beep interrupted the conversation, and the nurse ran to Scott, laying two fingers on his neck to feel his heartbeat. “He’s fibrillating.” She warned her colleagues, being supported by the monitor that showed a continuous line.

“I need the AED defibrillators! And where is the coal!” Neil didn't have time to answered the nurse, but prepared the shocks instead. “Clear!” He shouted, and all the nurses took their hands off of Scott. “Come on, Scott! Come on!... Cleared!” And the process was repeated again. 

It didn’t go unnoticed to the nurse that Neil called the patient by the name, and her previous question was answered. At least it was a good thing that the problem wasn’t that he was exhausted.

The fibrillating persisted with one shock, two, and she was already waiting for the worst, when the monitor finally beeped again and the line normalized. She finally let herself breath. “He’s stable.” 

“Thank God.” Neil whispered, but didn't rest for a second. Instead, he started to prepare the gastric suction machine, and put some coal in it. Then, he proceeded to introduce a long slim tube though Scott's nose and throat to his stomach, just to pump some black coal through it.

The action made Scott's body gag, so they turned him to his side, and Neil felt some relief when he saw Scott's reacting with a cough attack, projecting some coal from his mouth, making his lips go black.

“It's OK, Scott. That's good, let it all out, please.” Neil started to caress the back of his head, trying to control his voice. 

Scott came to in the worst way possible. The pain burned his chest, throat, and mostly his stomach, and the coal felt like it was about to suffocate him. But the worst part was to remember what brought him there, to hit rock bottom right in front of Neil.

“Am I going to live?” His voice was weak and hoarse. He barely finished the phrase before he spit more of that black liquid out of his mouth. Fuck, if he knew Neil was on his duty, he would have rather die in his house then let Neil see him like this.

“Shhh, you'll be fine.” Neil tried to clean his mouth with a white towel. A process that was the nurse's duty. “Scott, I need you to tell me what else did you take, so we can treat you properly.” He was trying so hard for his voice not to break. “...Baby, please… You have some marks in your arm, and there are some pills on the floor and on the tray.” There were some chunks of pills mixed with the coal.

Neil was the last person he wanted to let know what he took, but he didn’t seem to have a choice. “These are only sedatives. And the marks are from cocaine injections. I guess I drank, but I can’t… No, actually, it started with vodka. I thought my body was stronger now.”

He held Neil’s hand while he was cleaning his mouth. “Don’t leave me here, please.” He begged, closing his eyes, and resting his head against the pillow in dismay.

If there was one thing Neil regretted the most, that was the fight he recently had had with Scott. Neil had finished his 90-90 program a month ago, but Scott was still in his own program, for he had relapsed twice before. Now, it had been the third time: Neil had found him having sex with a prostitute in Scott's apartment, now their apartment, and this time he couldn't take it anymore. He had left, yelling and actually judging him. 

Now there they were, with Scott fighting for his life and Neil hating himself for it. “Listen, Scott. I'm not mad anymore, alright? Baby, I'm not mad.” 

He took a look at Scott's heart rate. It was way too high for his liking. “I shouldn’t have left you. I know that now, OK?” He passed a hand through Scott's damped hair. “Scott, you had three seizures, that's why you are so tired. We have to keep you on check and stop you from having more, alright? Your heart… it may not resist another.” Neil didn't care if the nurses were still around, right now there was just Scott and him. 

It seemed out of the realm of reality that Neil was there explaining himself when he was the one who had fucked up again. Neil was too good for him. He was so stuck on leaving Neil alone after the last fight, knowing he was only a rock holding Neil down since they had met, but destiny had strange humor. Right now, the only strength he had was to hold Neil close to him, like a lifebuoy.

“You should be mad, I had another relapse, and I can’t even keep myself away from substances.” Scott's eyelids were heavy, and his words came out more like delirium than actual talk. “But please don’t leave me. I can’t lose you too, I can’t afford losing another person.” Right now, he couldn’t give much attention to his heart condition or the seizures Neil was talking about. It wouldn’t matter if he had to be alone again. “Please, don’t give up on me.”

The same nurse who had asked Neil if he was alright approached to take a blood sample from Scott's arm. “I need a blood sample to send to toxicology.” She was looking at Neil with a concerned gaze. “He's your boyfriend, isn't he?”

Neil just nodded. “Please, prepare an intensive care room for him. He needs to be under observation for 72 hours… And call social service.” He added, with a lump in his throat. “Tell them we have a possible attempt of suicide.” It broke his heart to ask for that, but that was the procedure when they dealt with a case like Scott's. 

Scott gave Neil a defeated look. He already had a therapist, a sponsor, and all the meetings, he didn’t want to also have social service looking at him. It was suffocating. He didn’t say anything else, relaxing over the medical table, and letting Neil’s hand go.

“I’ll take care of this personally.” The nurse said assertively. “You both can count on me. Do you want to talk to him alone for a minute? Or can I take him already?” She took the blood from Scott’s arm with ability, while waiting for an answer.

Neil looked at Scott, he was almost passed out, looking so tired and sick. “...You can take him to intensive care now. He needs to rest.” He caressed Scott's cheek. “Apply three millilitres of sedative every six hours, and I need an established electrocardiogram machine in his room. Just in case.” Neil looked at the nurse, “Thank you, Susan.” He really meant it. 

When Neil turned to Scott, he was looking even paler than before. “She's going to take you to another room, alright? They'll run some tests on you… My shift is almost over, so I'll be with you in a couple of hours, OK? But, if anything happens I'll be right there, don't worry.” He lowered himself a little to give Scott a quick peck on the forehead. 

“I’ll be fine.” Scott mumbled, only half conscious, thinking it wouldn’t be bad at all to just pass out and not to think about anything until Neil came back to his side.

Susan made a sign to three of his colleagues to help her move the patient. "Don't worry, I'll be checking his signals every 15 minutes."

Neil gave her a weak smile, and pressed her forearm with his hand to show actual gratefulness. “Oh, Susan, another thing…” He allowed the male nurses to pass Scott to a gurney and took Susan to a corner of the room. “Please, can you ask for Malik to put the restraints on Scott's wrists once he is settle in I.C.? I… I know we aren't sure if he tried to… kill himself just yet, but…” His voice broke. “Please, just… I'm scared.” 

It wasn't unusual for suicidal patients to try to commit suicide again once they were left alone in their rooms, and the restraints were an effective precaution for that. It was usually very traumatic for the patient to be put through that procedure, and it was never taken well, but that was the the most effective option they had. 

Neil observed how Scott was taken out of Trauma 1, making him able to finally let out the breath Neil didn't know he had been holding in that entire time. 

“Oh, and… there's another thing I want to ask you, Susan.” Neil knew he could trust her. She had been a good coworker since he had started working at the St. James Hospital. Even though they weren't close friends, she knew about Neil's cute boyfriend back home. It was one of the few people who knew that apart from Neil's support group and his mom. Neil had felt the need to share that with her during a lunch break. 

“Can you… take an HIV test? I'll sign the papers… just… I'll take full responsibility if anything happens, alright?” An HIV/AIDS permit had to be signed by the patient himself, otherwise it wouldn't be approved by the doctor. 

Susan wasn’t expecting that request, but she kept her expression as professional as she could, knowing that she wasn’t close enough to make personal questions. “I got this.” She answered instead, simply. “You can call me if you need anything else.” She recommended before following the patient.

 

Scott did in fact pass out right at the moment he left the E.R., and his body was blessed enough to keep him sleeping for the next few hours, so he wouldn’t have to face himself after everything that happened.

When he found himself conscious again, he didn’t recognize where he was immediately, and it took him a while to remember how he ended up in a hospital. He could remember he was not feeling well, so he called the ambulance. Overdose? Everything seemed so fogged right now. He could swear it was Neil who helped him, but was that reality or vestige of his dream? It didn’t help the fact that he didn’t want to think.

His position was uncomfortable, and he tried to move, but discovered his arms were restrained by his wrists. His mind flared and he could see Neil saying he would call social services. But Scott didn’t try to kill himself, did he?

Neil heard small sounds coming from the bed, that brought him to reality again. He had almost fallen asleep on the small couch of the room. It was 4 a.m. after all, and his shift had finished just two hours ago, so Neil was now out of his work attire. He stood up and got closer to the bed. “Scott? Hey, how are you feeling?” 

He took his stethoscope and proceeded to listen to Scott’s heart beat. “How does your heart feel?” The beating was still erratic and abnormal.

“You are here.” Scott said with a relief, but also kind of disturbed. His memories were real, and Neil had seen him in such degradation. “Every part of my body is hurting, including my heart, but I guess I’m fine. But Neil, why am I restrained like this?” He could imagine the answer, but those cuffs were stressing.

Neil sat on the little bench right next to the bed, and held one of Scott's hands, “We don't know how your body is going to react for the overdose. And even though we emptied your stomach and purified your blood, you can still have hallucinations or seizures.” His thumb was caressing the top of his hand. “...It’s also for your own protection…” He added. 

All the weight of the night had been too much, and suddenly Neil couldn't carry all that burden anymore. His face made a pout, and his eyes just watered. He took his free hand to cover his face, but the sobs gave him away. 

“Fuck, Scott. What happened?... God!” The worst thing was that Neil felt so guilty about everything. He shouldn't have left Scott alone, not even if he had had three relapses (that Neil was aware of) in just four months. Not even if he had found him fucking that prostitute’s ass in their own bed. Not even if Neil was now free to have a healthy sexual relationship, but Scott still wasn't, for he hadn't completed the program, losing his countdown every single time. 

“You could have called me… I… I would have answered.” It didn't matter if Neil had gone to a hotel room after the fight, because he had sold his apartment once he had moved in to Scott's. He would have answered. 

Neil took his hand away from his face, now wet with tears. “Baby, I can't… This is too much.” He tried to take some air, but failed in the middle of the action. “I love you, but… I just don't know what else to do.” He said, shrugging his shoulders.

Even restrained like that, Scott held Neil's hand with extra strength, with an irrational fear that if he let go, Neil would leave him. 

"You can do so much better than me, Neil." That sounded like a proper answer to all questions asked. 

"It was that damned abstinence, my whole body was trembling, and it felt like I would die if I didn't drug myself. I was about to have a heart attack, a stroke, I don't know. I would stop functioning anyway."

"I was going to call Mike, but what he can do for me? He went through his own problems, of course, but how can he know shit about someone like me?" Desolation, that was the word that summed up what he was feeling. He was falling down into an endless pit, and who would be able to prevent his slow death?

He sighed, finally facing Neil. "I love you. I love you with an intensity that you shouldn't love someone you met four months ago….But I guess the biggest lie people say is that love can save you. In your case, it will probably mess with your life, and why should you pay for something that is part of my past?"

It was his condition - physical and emotional - that made him talk so openly, but it felt so good to share his inner feelings without the worry if he would be understood.

Neil stood up, wandering around the room for a couple of seconds. He stopped by the window, watching the city lights in the middle of the night. “Is it true that you have had just three relapses during these four months?” Neil didn't turn to Scott when he asked that question. “Or have been more?” He finally faced him. 

Scott closed his eyes again, feeling empty after Neil moved away from him. "Three times... And a half." He whispered, hating himself more than ever. "One of the times I controlled myself."

What he was going to do? Beg Neil for forgiveness? He must have a limit to how many times he could be forgiven.

"And by controlling myself I mean Mike called at the right moment, and made me remember that I'm a human, not an animal."

Neil sat on the bed, next to Scott's leg. “I ordered an HIV/AIDS test… I don't know how many times but… I know you've been having unprotected sex. I… noticed you weren't wearing a condom with that prostitute.” He seemed far away while saying those words. “You know, now I'm glad you are supposed to be in the program and that way we can't have sex.” He knew his words were harsh, but he was so mad and frustrated, he couldn't keep things to himself any longer. 

He was aware Neil was saying that only to hurt him - with all the reasons to do it -, but it still succeeded. Normally, his impulse would be aggressive, he would scream at Neil and tell him to go away, but right now he was so tired. The defeat laid inside him, and the fear that Neil would walk away from him was more apparent than any anger. He still felt so lucky to have Neil by his side - trying to hurt him or not.

“For someone who is trying so hard to get himself killed, I really don’t wanna die.” Scott said, legitimately scared of the possibility. A stubborn hope still dwelled inside him, that somehow he would be able to get the pieces of his life together, and that he would fix himself enough to make a new life with Neil - and well, death would be an obstacle to that ideal. “I don’t want to infect you with all of my problems...my sexual desires.” He remembered Mike telling him how he contaminated his wife, and didn’t even want to think about the possibility.

Neil rubbed his face with his hands, feeling so much tired that before, “I'm sorry… This is not the time for fighting. I'm just, so mad…” He wanted to hate Scott, that way it could be easy to just… leave him. 

“Scott, you need to start rehabilitation.” He voice sounded so serious, so determined. “And I'm not talking about following a program, because that clearly doesn't work for you.” Neil was now facing him. “I'm talking about you getting into a professional clinic. A real one. And I don't fucking care if you have to spend a month there, you'll have to do it. Alright?” 

He had reached the boiling point. “I don't care if you have to leave your job, I can take care of you. Or if they only allow me to see you on the weekends… This has to be done, Scott.” A pause. “...If you want me to stay, this has to be done…”

The idea of being locked up in a clinic was more than claustrophobic to Scott - it was torturous. But no more torturous than losing his last line of hope. It was more than a fight against his addictions, he would have to quit his job, get locked inside a place that wasn’t his, and obey rules. He would have to let other people take control over him.

“But you’re going to visit me every weekend, right?” He wanted to reach Neil, but the cuffs wouldn’t let him. “Shit, Neil, I really want to get out of this. I want a stupid normal life - I’ve always wanted, and I can’t throw away this chance now. I’ll go to any clinic you want me to go to, I’ll do anything. And this time, I won’t let you down.”

“I won't believe you till you do it, Scott.” Neil reached his hand, “I'll be there every day if they let me, but first… you need to talk to social service. They'll find us a nice clinic. You can take that time out as a holiday.” He smiled, “A holiday without your clingy boyfriend telling you what to do.” That wasn't the first time Neil had suggested a rehabilitation clinic, but Scott had always reacted in a bad way to the advice. 

Scott frowned with the mention of the social service again, but he wasn’t in a position to make demands now. And Neil had a point. He didn’t plan to kill himself, but it didn’t stop him from making destructive decisions, like filling himself with drugs, and having unprotected sex with prostitutes - what was going to be the next step, playing russian roulette? Maybe he needed to understand this deathwish.

“I hate this holiday already.” He relaxed visibly when Neil held his hand again, feeling an unusual sense optimism. It wouldn’t be an easy period, but the price wouldn’t be much to pay if it helped him to clean himself. 

“This is scary. This is scary as fuck, I won’t lie to you.” Scott admitted, pressing Neil’s hand between his fingers unwittingly. “But I’m ready to go through this.”

Neil lowered himself to lay down right next to Scott, pressIng a light kiss on his lips. His face buried in the crook of Scott's neck, “You really scared me Scott. I really thought I would lose you. I've never been that scared in my entire life.”

He hugged Scott carefully with one of his arms, passing it around his chest. “Please… don't do that ever again. You are not only hurting yourself but the people that love you.”

Neil had the power to soften Scott’s worries in a way that no one else could, causing him to smile against his hair. “It means you love me, right?” He didn’t have any doubt about this, but it was too good to listen to Neil saying it all the time. “Can you say it again? And again? And once more?” 

Scott’s love life was always a disaster - not only a disaster, it was the bloodiest thing someone could expect. He felt like he would never get used to a boyfriend like Neil, it looked like he was from another world. “Can I be free of these things at least for a minute?” He asked, moving the cuffs in frustration. “You’re the doctor, I trust you to rescue me if something goes wrong.” But his body was settled enough for him to worry.

“Alright, but you can't stand up… I'm sorry about having to strap you down.” Neil untied them carefully, then proceeded to lay down again. “I didn't want you to have to wear them, but it was a precaution in case you… wanted to hurt yourself again.” He hugged him tighter. “...I love you too much, Scott...but you already know that.”

The images of Scott having a seizure, then having to be brought to life by electroshocks was something Neil wouldn't forget that easily. “Baby… did you… did you really tried to hurt yourself?” He couldn't bring himself to say the word ‘kill’. 

The way Neil called him ‘Baby’ was so natural, so personal that it often was enough to calm him down. He was sure that part of his recovery was due to the fact that Neil had encouraged him through the worst phase calling him ‘Baby’ all the time.

“I would be crazy if I wanted to stand now.” Scott avoided the last question, passing one of his arms around Neil’s waist, while he lead the other one to rest on the top of his head pinning him close to his body.

“And I don’t know the answer.” He finally said, thoughtful. “It wasn’t my intention to kill myself. But I didn’t do anything to avoid risking my life.” His own reasons were blurred. Since he met Neil, he went down on in spiral, always trying to destroy that small piece of happiness he had found. “It’s a feeling, all the fuckin’ time, this feeling screams at me, saying I don’t have the right to be alive.”

Neil closed his eyes tightly, hugging Scott closer. “I'll tell you what… When you are finally clean and rehabilitated, let's say, in a couple of months.” He knew he maybe was being way too optimistic. “I'm going to take you on a long trip. It can be any place you want. And we’ll have a great time together. And we are going to be so freaking happy we’ll forget all this… How does that sound?” Neil kissed Scott's lips. 

“It sounds perfect.” He answered between the kiss, without knowing if he would be able to make such trip in only a couple of months, but deciding he would do his best to make it true. If he had the same strength that Neil had, he probably would have had himself cleaned up by now, so this wasn’t an impossible goal. “Be ready for that, I won’t leave you alone for even a second on this trip. We will have to compensate all my secluded time on rehab.”

That made Neil smile and laugh, so he kissed Scott again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3

[](http://s306.photobucket.com/user/Malle182/media/Mobile%20Uploads/IMG-20170625-WA0002.jpg.html)

A Month Later

It was the weekend, when the visits were allowed at the Private Rehabilitation Center in the suburbs of the city. Neil had never seen Scott like that: He was wearing black sweatpants, not showing that much skin (a thing prohibited in a sexual rehabilitation clinic). His eyes were tired, but relaxed. His hair was longer than he used to use it. 

And Scott was smoking more that usual, a common thing in the clinic. There was the knowledge that when you leave an addiction, your body sometimes asks for another… now imagine leaving three at the same time, like Scott. 

Neil stood up from the bench in the middle of the patio, a big smile in his face as Scott was getting closer. “Look at you. Long hair is suiting you!” He was so happy to see Scott, but not so much to see the familiar cigarette on his hand, as on every visit. 

“I’m a chimney walking monk right now, and you still find something good to tell about me.” Scott swallowed the smoke one last time, before discarding the cigarette that was almost finished - he knew all too well that Neil didn’t like it, even if he wouldn’t say anything to him. “But I guess I like it. It’s the only thing about my appearance that I can control right now.”

Scott was complaining a lot lately, and his mood was dead for the majority of the time, but it wasn't like Neil could blame him. And there he was, finally clean for a whole month, without sex, alcohol or illegal substances. And recently, when he had stopped throwing up, hallucinating, and going through tremendous fevers, he had started to actually feeling healthy. He had almost forgotten what that was like.

“I missed you so much.” Scott advanced towards Neil, embracing his boyfriend tightly. “This place is my personal hell, and they won’t even let me call you as much as I wanted to.”

Neil returned the hug, and kissed Scott on the check. Not a lot of love was allowed to be shown between the visitors and the patients. “I’ve missed you too.” A visit every weekend was so far apart. Neil felt so lonely in the big apartment during the week. 

“I'm so proud of you, Scott. You are doing it so well.” Neil wanted to kiss him on the lips so badly, but he needed to control himself. “Have you made any new friends?”

“Well, remember my roommate? He actually offered me chocolate last night.” 

Peter was his roommate, and he had spent Scott’s first week in the clinic begging for the nurses to find him another room. For some reason, Peter was terrified when he knew he would have to share a room with a sex addict. “Of course, that was only him being polite, but I guess this was a step forward.” As a heroin addict, Peter was always chewing sugar during the night.

“ I feel so much more sympathy for the nurses now that they stopped filling me with valium.” For a while, Scott questioned if they just wanted to put him in a coma so he wouldn’t give them any more trouble. “Who knows, maybe I can actually approach someone from the meetings now that I’m not sweating all the time.”

He didn’t let Neil go. Hell, there was no rule that prohibited him to hug his own boyfriend, and he would enjoy the only intimacy he was allowed to have. “Am I complaining too much?” He smiled against Neil’s hair. “How are you? Tell me something about the outside world.”

“See? You have a new friend already.” Neil smiled against Scott's neck. “And, let's see… Adam organized a dinner at his place last Thursday. And guess what!? He asked Phoebe to marry him!” He was truly so happy for his friend. “They’re getting married next Summer, and you are obviously invited.” He moved one bunch of hair away from Scott's face. 

It was surprising even for Scott himself, but he actually felt sorry for not being able to be there to go to that party. “I can picture this scene, and this is so full of sweetness that even Peter would be annoyed.”

Neil couldn't hold a laugh. “Don't be mean, they're our friends.” He slapped Scott on the shoulder, “Adam already said I'm going to be one of his best men, that means you'll probably be one too… if he doesn't get someone else.” Adam didn't have many friends, for he was an introverted person, but the ones he had were pretty close. 

“Well, he can’t replace me, I had to deal with all his overprotective fatherly moments when we started dating. He will never find a better man than me.”

“He was just taking care of his sponsee.” Neil shrunk his shoulders. Then, he pointed out to a bag on the garden bench. “I brought you some things I thought you might need. Mmh- A new toothbrush, a new set of pajamas… stuff. But if you need something else just tell me and I can pass by to drop them in the lobby tomorrow.”

“You.” Scott complained, not wanting to let Neil go once more when the time of visits ended. “Can you just get into the bag and let me hide you in my room? I miss you so much.”

Scott wished for another cigarette, but he also didn’t want to bother Neil. Instead, he searched his pockets, finding a gum inside the sweater. “-But thank you…”He paused “For sharing... this part of my life with me.” He couldn’t hold a half smile. “God, I hate this sentence now.” 

Neil began to laugh, “Yeah, but you'll love it now that you are about to finish the rehabilitation program.” A bigger smile, “That's right. I talked to your doctor. He said you'll be able to go home next week, so…” He encircled Scott’s neck and pressed his lips to his ear, “...You know what that means.” A light kiss on the earlobe, “That you'll be able to do whatever you want with me.”

At this point, Neil did something that wasn't allowed. He licked Scott's ear. It was quick, but he simply couldn't hold himself. “How does that sound, baby?”

Shit, there was a reason for them to prohibit intimate contact. After a month - even more if he thought about how he and Neil did nothing since the week they met, (for Neil had to start his own program) - only hugging and talking through the cell phone, a simple thing like that was enough to set his limbs on fire.

He breathed against Neal's neck, discreetly checking around to confirm that no one was noticing how close they were now. “I have plans to waste my energy doing certain activities.”

He leaned his forehead on Neil’s temple. “Locked in this cage, I had too much free time to plan what I’m going to do with you. ” Since he had behaved the whole month, this conversation was harmless now he was about to be discharged.

“Can you give me an example? I mean, you already completed your rehabilitation month, this week is just to finish some paperwork so they can discharge you officially, so… Can you give me something to survive the next few days without you?”

“I can’t barely believe you are the same guy who would blush every time I said something suggestive.” And of course, he loved this new side of his boyfriend. 

Scott took one of Neil’s hands off his neck, holding to bring it to his lips and he didn’t move his body away. “I guess you already had a girl going down on you, right?” He bit one of Neil’s fingers, pressing his lips softly against them right after. Scott lowered his tone to a whisper, getting close to his ear so Neil could listen to him. 

“Be prepared, it’s a whole different experience when a guy does that.” He pressed his lips to the fingertips once again, now sliding it to the inside of his mouth, circulating the fingers with his tongue. “You’ll never forget it.”

If Scott thought he would always need drugs to overstimulate his senses and make sex more intense, he had no idea he would feel this stimulated already now that he was sober. 

Neil’s cheeks blushed immediately, and he thanked God for being a rehabilitated sex addict, otherwise he would have an erection right there and then. 

Scott's lips were so soft and warm, and his mouth so hot and wet. Neil couldn't imagine how his lips would feel around his erect cock. “...One girl did that to me once, but she…” Fuck! Why was Scott that hot?! “She got mad because… I came, and… didn't warn her.” He stuttered in the last words, his voice shaking. 

It all had happened at a friend’s house when he was in college. There had been this drunk girl he didn't know, that showed up in the restroom when he was washing his hands. Suddenly, she was on her knees unzipping his jeans and lowering his boxers - Her mouth sucking the tip of his dick eagerly. Neil came when the girl started to deepthroat him. She had been so mad she slapped him on the face. Neil never saw her again. 

“I promise I won’t be mad if you get carried away with me like that.” Scott smiled, still sucking Neil’s fingers. 

“I bet you’re the hottest thing moaning and saying my name while you’re inside my mouth.” He finally let go of Neil’s fingers, placing a long kiss on his temple. “God, you can’t even imagine how much I want to get down on my knees and take you, right here and now.”

Neil backed up a little, almost tripping over his own feet. Visit time was almost over, and he didn't want to go to the clinic’s lobby with a big boner between his legs. Good thing Scott would be able to go home next week...

 

That was the longest week Neil had ever lived. But, when he was finally able to pick Scott up and take him home, he couldn't be happier. He had even bought a chocolate cake to celebrate his boyfriends success. It had a little gift box next to it. 

“You should open your gift before cutting the cake, I'm so nervous about it.” Neil passed the little box to Scott, who was still wearing sweatpants. Not that Neal was complaining, he looked so damn good in them. 

“Tell me this is not a wedding ring, Neil.” Scott smiled, opening the box. “Our festivities would be too close to Adam’s wedding, and I don’t want to share the spotlight with Mr. and Mrs. Perfect.”

His smile only got bigger when he found a whole new kit of electronic cigarettes. The last step to reach full rehabilitation. He still had to go through the 90-90 program, but it seemed too easy now that he had freedom and his sobriety period was over.

“I have the best boyfriend in the world.” Scott reached Neil and gave him a long kiss on the lips. He missed it to much that he felt as if he could kiss his boyfriend forever. “Thank you. For everything.”

Neil responded to the kisses, feeling so weird now that he had the freedom to return the caresses without having to worry about Scott's mental stability. He would never stop thanking someone else up there for getting Scott to be clean after having that wild life. 

“You can return the favor… by not cutting your hair just yet.” Neil asked, which was funny now that he was wearing his curls shorter than before.

“Anything you want.” Scott kissed Neil one last time. “Except the sweatpants. I need to get rid of them as fast as possible.” He smiled, carefully putting the cigarettes aside. “Now can we go for the cake? I feel like an impatient a kid here.”

Reluctantly, he let go of the hug, walking around the kitchen and only now noticing how much he missed his own things. “You did an amazing job taking care of our apartment. How are things going with your job?” He asked on a neutral tone.

“Well, I guess they're good. I had to help deliver a baby last night. The mother had been shot in her chest. The baby lived, though.” Neil took out some plates and two water bottles. “The baby will be put into foster care.” He said.

“You should be cutting the cake, so here's the knife.” Neil handed the kitchen knife to Scott, while looking for some forks and napkins. 

“That’s a sad story, but I'm glad the baby is fine.” Scott said. He took the knife, only to leave it on the table next to his plate, not really caring about the cake anymore.

“What else? What have you been doing while I was absent?” He approached Neil, holding him by his waistband so he would stop looking for napkins and have his full attention. “Did you miss me?”

“You know I did.” Neil turned towards him, “Pretty much nothing, actually. -But I have a cake in front of me that has my full attention now.” He started to laugh and gave Scott a big peck on the lips, “...I’m kidding.” He added when he saw Scott's face. 

“I was about to kick you out of our apartment with the cake.” Scott grumbled, but not upset at all. “I think I had enough sugar inside the clinic, I can wait for the cake.”

He pressed his lips against Neil’s once more, in a real kiss instead of just a peck. Scott missed it so much, he could spend his whole night just kissing Neil. “I didn’t have you for so long.” Another kiss, and Scott took the opportunity to nip the lower lip with his teeth. “And that can’t wait anymore.”

“Just let's be careful.” Neil returned the kisses, gripping Scott's nape with his hand. “Mike said we should take things slow. It's part of the process.” He left a trail of kisses along Scott's jaw line, finishing below the ear. 

When Scott thought the worst part was over, he remembered he had to follow sex advice from Mike. “It’s been months since the last time I could actually touch you.” He took a few steps back, still holding Neil’s pants in a way that he had to move together with Scott. “I can’t promise anything.”

He continued to walk backwards, guiding Neil to leave the kitchen. “But I will take care of you.”

“Alright…” Neil smiled and let himself be guided by Scott, “But no porn, no sex toys, no filming, no public sex in the balcony, and no BDSM… And I know we haven't done much since I've been in my program as well but… I know what you are… or were into… and that's a NO.” 

They actually hadn't done much at all, for they had started their program as soon as they met, right after Neil's relapse. That didn't mean Neil didn't know what Scott used to liked, since he had talked about it in the meetings- not to mention relapsing a few times, even when Neil was already clean. 

“What’s the point of a balcony, if you can’t have sex there?” It was a joke, but he couldn’t say he had never thought about taking Neil there. “Our old make out spot also counts as a public space?”

Scott stopped when they reached the door of their room, smiling. “I love you. You know it, right?” He held Neil’s hands and rested it on his hips, underneath his shirt. “I love you even if we’re only allowed to have old people sex.”

“I mean it, Scott… I really want this to work.” Neil whispered, “Being clean doesn't mean being a monk, but to have sex in a healthy way.” Then closed his eyes and rested his forehead on Scott's chin. “This is the only drug you are not allowed to cut out completely after you have gone to rehab, but is just… I'm scared… of going back to what we used to be.”

Scott brought him closer in a protective hug. Healthy relationship was something he had no experience with, but he guessed he and Neil could manage to find a way.

“We’re going to make this work together. Look how far we’ve come.” He left a new and long kiss on Neil’s head. “I’ll be as careful as you want.”

Neil nodded, and responded with a kiss on Scott's neck. “Now, if I remember correctly… you made some promises back when we were at the clinic, and I… I’ve been thinking about it. Quite a lot.” He lowered his left hand till it reached Scott's waistband, and hooked his fingers there as Scott had done before with him. “Are you hard?”

“Why don’t you go further and discover the answer by yourself?” Scott whispered, as he moved again, now pushing Neil inside the room. “While you describe to me, in detail, what you’ve been thinking?”

“I’ve been imagining things.” A small kiss on Scott's neck, “It's a shame I can't touch myself just yet.” As a compulsive masturbation sufferer, Neil had yet to complete a period with zero masturbation allowance.

“About you… going down on me.” Neil left another kiss, but now with his tongue in Scott's throat. “But then, I began to imagine me… going down on you.” He slowly fell to his knees, and left one last kiss on Scott's belly, right after raising his t-shirt a little bit. 

It was visible how good of a job Neil was doing turning Scott on - he couldn’t barely restrain himself inside his pants. “I should talk to Adam to forbid you from touching yourself forever. It gives you the best ideas.”

He laced his fingers deeper through Neil’s hair, playing with it slowly. “And only I would be able to release you.”

Neil trailed more light kisses along Scott's soft belly, this time lowering his pants a little, getting to see the boxers waistband. He hooked his fingers there, and pulled it down enough to reveal, slowly, Scott's hard cock. 

“Is it a good time to tell you I don't know what I'm doing?” Neil raised his eyes to look at him. 

Scott couldn’t help but smile, almost not believing how cute his boyfriend could be. 

“You don’t have to do anything that will make you uncomfortable, you know that, right?” He said, only to make sure. “And it’s just… Do what you think you’d like me to do to you... don’t forget to relax your throat.”

Following the advice, Neil pulled Scott's pants and boxers completely, revealing the semi-hard member. It was a little breath taking, to tell the truth, to have Scott right there in front of him, expecting something he had never done. Though, Neil could imagine what kind of touches and caresses he would enjoy, especially because Scott, like him, didn't have his foreskin, so they have practiced the same sensibility.

Neil took Scott's member and began to stroke, up and down. He even dared to pass his lips along the length, until he opened his mouth at the tip and gave a light lick.

Scott felt his own breath stop with Neil’s tongue, tangling his fingers between the locks of hair, trying his best to not pull it too hard. But, hell, everything was so much more intense now. He was feeling like a teenager again, trying to stop himself from collapsing at the first touch.

“Please, don’t torture me too much, baby.”

“Is it safe for us to do this without a condom? I mean… I know you are clean but… some viruses take six months to appear on a blood test and… Shit, I’m totally ruining the mood, aren't I?” Neil was feeling so dumb and inexperienced. Scott was his boyfriend, and he trusted him. 

He took Scott in his mouth completely, but forgot to hide his teeth. He didn't even knew he had to do that. 

“I know you must be mad at me because all of that.” Scott said in a small hiss.”But be careful with your teeth.” Not that the cute inexperience of Neil would turn him off somehow. “I had condoms…” Somewhere? He still had Neil’s mouth on him, so it was difficult to think clear enough. “In the bathroom? Are they still there?”

“No, I threw them away right after you got into the clinic… I was so mad at you when I caught with that woman that... I thought about burning all your stuff, but I ended up just burning all the illicit stuff you used to hid, like condoms, porn and alcohol… and some sex toys.” Better to confess that now than later. 

“If you want me to, I'll do it without a condom.” Neil grabbed the base of the cock, and began to suck even harder. He didn't have good gag reflex, but he had relaxed his throat and was breathing through his nose, which helped a lot. 

Scott needed to unite all the good sensibilities inside himself to stop Neil before it was too late to think through. “I guess the first rule about healthy sex says: Don’t touch your boyfriend if you’re not sure if he’s clean.” He let a frail laugh overcome his moan of frustration. “At least not when you burned all his protections.”

He didn’t want to consider the possibility of being sick, but everything would be even worse if he infected Neil.

“You mentioned once you had some condoms in your jeans' pockets. I didn't touch your clothes so, if you put some there then they're still there.” Neil stood up and opened the closet door.

“If you had burned my jeans, we would need to have a serious conversation.” Scott moved to the bed, accommodating himself on the mattress. “Find this condom, and I swear I’ll give you the best sex of your life.”

After checking four pairs of jeans, Neil found three condoms in the back pocket of some black Calvin Klein. He got on bed next to Scott, “Aren't I the best boyfriend ever?” Neil asked, throwing the metallic packages on Scott's chest. “Now, you'll have to fulfill your promises.”

“You’re the best boyfriend ever.” He moved his body to be on top of Neil’s, making him lay on his back. “Getting out of the apartment to buy new condoms with a hard-on wouldn’t be the best way to start my new life.” Scott was still able to smile, before kissing him again.

“How hard are you?” Neil kissed him back, and grabbed his cock again with his right hand. “Babe… I really want to go all the way today.” He whispered. “I wanna know how it feels… I think I'm ready.”

Scott was already breathless when Neil said those words. “Are you sure?” He asked, sucking lightly Neil’s lower lip. He was almost sure his boyfriend was trying to blow his mind.

“I’ve been waiting until now.” He positioned himself between Neil’s legs, also guiding his hands inside Neil’s shirt to meet his skin. “I can wait a little longer, if you need to.” It was true, even if the slow moves Scott’s hips started doing against Neil's crotch would say otherwise.

Neil let go of Scott's member, “No, I… I really want to, Scott. I feel like I'm missing something and, even though I've never been with a girl like that before… well… I… I really want you to be my first.”

"I'll admit I'll miss you stuttering and blushing once you get used to it." It was an especial experience to see Neil's first reactions. "You're beautiful, do you know that?"

His hands wandered to open Neil's jeans, and Scott made him raise his hips to bring down his pants with his underwear, discarding it on the ground. “Tell me, Neil.” Scott held his cock, caressing without any hurry, while he spread kisses along his chin and neck. “Tell me I’ll be your first, and only one.”

Neil’s cheeks were redder than a mature apple, “...That’s up to you.” Fuck! Scott was so hot. How was it possible he had a boyfriend like Scott? Neil, who never actually had a girlfriend in his life, now was about to lose his virginity with the sexiest guy in town. But the most amazing thing was Neil was sure Scott really cared about him, and he felt the same way back. 

“You’ll see that, without the addiction monster, I’m a really faithful person.” He sucked the skin of Neil’s neck, taking a time to leave a small mark there. Well, there were no rules against leaving hickey on his boyfriend, right? 

“And, please, don’t be mad at me right now.” Scott smiled, half mischievous and half apologetic, locking their lips once more before reaching for the bed table on his side. The drawer had a fake fund, where he hid some of forbidden toys when Neil moved on with him. He wasn’t proud of it, but it would be really useful now.

“We have more things to burn over here. Except this.” He added, taking the lube from there. “And this is my only hidden place, I swear.”

“Shit, you are unbelievable.” He wasn't mad, but wasn't happy either. “Is there any other secrets you want to share before it's too late?” Neil caressed Scott's lips with his thumb. “I'll tell you what… for the next minute you can tell me anything, even your most dark secret, and I won't even get surprised. But you have to be totally honest and sincere about it.”

Thinking about these words, Scott absently bit the finger on his lips. What kind of dark secret did Neil not already know after all those meetings?

“..I touched myself once inside the clinic. It was on my very first week, and I was missing you so much.” Scott muffled a small moan against Neil’s hand only with the memory.

“Even if I know I can’t do it - and I won’t - I can’t stop thinking about all the public teasing, all the things I would do with you if we were not rehabilitated.” He started touching Neil’s cock once more, biting the corner of his lips. “And I have to say, I was in jail once. But not for a reason you should worry about.”

Neil could barely concentrate on what Scott was saying, the hand on his crotch felt way too good. But the last sentence totally caught his attention. 

“...What for?” Was a straightforward question, that deserved a straightforward answer. 

“Murder.” He inclined over Neil, kissing his earlobe, before continuing. “Which I was innocent of, and I was released quickly.” Scott moved his free hand to Neil’s back, rubbing the skin there lightly right above his butt. “As I said, nothing to worry about” It wasn’t a pleasant topic to Scott, but it was a little amusing to talk about it as if it was something to be scared about.

It was difficult to not have a negative reaction to all that, but Neil had made a promise, so he tried to stay cool about it. “Why… why were you accused, then?” He couldn't hide a little fear in his voice. Not for Scott, but for the whole murder situation. 

“Because I was someone close to the victim.” Scott let go of Neil, bringing his two hands to hold his chin, to be sure his boyfriend was looking at him. “I can give you all the details later, if you want.” He was serious now, not wanting to actually terrify Neil for so long. “But it’s more sad than scary, I promise.”

Neil nodded, but his eyes were still curious about the whole thing. “It's fine… If you say you didn't do it, then I believe you.” He raised his head a little to trap Scotts lower lip between his own. “It's kind of hot, actually… to imagine you in a prison uniform.” He grabbed one of the condoms, “Can I put it on?”

“It fit me pretty well, you know.” Scott smiled again between Neil’s lips, prolonging the kiss a little longer before answering. “Yes, please.” It came out as a low moan. He barely believed he could restrain himself for that long. “I need you now.”

Opening the little package, Neil rolled down the condom along Scott's erected cock, taking maybe more time than he needed. “Please, I… I don't want it to hurt.” He knew it would be a discomfort, but was actually a little scared about the whole ‘the first time is really painful in gay sex' thing. 

Scott let his head find support against Neil’s forehead, breathing heavily with the pressure of his hand. “I won’t do anything until I prepare you properly, don’t worry.” He meant it when he promised he would never hurt Neil again. In any kind of way. “And if you feel anything too uncomfortable, you just tell me, and I’ll go even slower, okay?”

He held the back of Neil’s knees, raising his legs for better access, for he didn’t want to turn him around and not be able to see his face. Scott spread the lube along his fingers, leaving a gentle kiss on his chin. “I’ll start now.” He pressed two of his fingers against Neil, but only letting one of them slide inside him, carefully, keeping full attention on Neils reactions. “Just keep telling me how it feels.”

Neil let go a soft sound when he felt the finger inside of him. It wasn't painful nor uncomfortable, but it felt so weird, as if his body wasn't meant for this. “It feels…” How to describe it? “I don't know, it feels kinda funny… It doesn't hurt, it's just like a little pressure.”

“If you could see how hot you are right now.” Scott moaned tenderly against his neck. “I love to see you like this.” He slowed a little more when started pressing the second finger, knowing it would start to be a little too much for Neil. Scott looked for his boyfriend’s lips again, like a new addiction.

“I’m so glad we’re doing this now that I can stay sober. It would be the worst thing if I was too dizzy to memorize every reaction coming from you.”

“Oh, God…” Neil let out a little moan. The pressure had increased, but there wasn't pain just yet. “Stop it, I bet you said that to all your…” His what? His fucks? No, Neil wasn't that. He was sure of that. “You are making me blush.”

“No, I don’t say this to any of my...” He smiled again to confirm that his boyfriend was actually blushing as he said that. “I wouldn’t say this to anyone else, because no one turns me on as much as you do.” Scott moved both fingers inside Neil, testing the limits, and letting him get used to the sensation. “And, Neil, I’m so turned on right now.”

The third finger was pressed with extra care, and Scott lowered his lips to kiss Neil’s neck and chest. The texture of his skin was smooth against his lips, and he felt all his body pulsing with the sensation. “And you? How do you feel?”

“Ah, Scott, that's… too much.” Neil could feel his fingers grabbing the sheets below him. Right now he was starting to experience pain, the pressure to open him up being too strong. “Wait! Push… push slowly.” His right hand went to grab Scott's wrist between his legs, “Like this…” He guided the three three fingers inside. “Yes, like that…” 

It was a test of self-control to keep an easy rhythm with Neil approving and whining under his touch. But Scott let him set the pace, moving his fingers slightly, almost hypnotized with his moans and breathing. “Does it feel good now, babe? Are you ready for me?”

“I think I am.” It was starting to feel good, but Scott was big, especially while having an erection. But Neil wanted to do this, it felt like it was the last test to finally be a real rehabilitated couple, to establish their relationship in the sexual way, and to keep doing it in the healthy way.

“Don't push too hard, though.” 

“Never.” He reassured. While Scott still took more time to move his fingers inside his boyfriend, he reached for the lube with the other hand. He spread some more along his member. “And remember, you can ask me to stop anytime.” Scott gave a small bite to Niels jaw, removing his fingers to align his cock to his entrance, finally pushing himself inside.

He went slow, not forcing too much at the beginning. “This is so much better than I thought it would be.” He referred not only about having sex with Neil, but also going so far without drugs. God, it felt like his whole body was vibrating with the sensation.

A small cry escaped Neil's lips, and shut his eyes hardly. It hurt, it really hurt, but he didn't want to show it. With a fast move, Neil grabbed Scott's t-shirt by the chest, and pulled him against him, his breathing getting faster and uneven. 

Scott stopped when he noticed how this was getting too impossible for Neil, and tried to control his breathing. He didn't want to sound too needy and pressure Neil somehow. “I’m here, you don’t need to hush, baby. This will get better, I promise.” He made a slow move, now without stopping, rubbing his lips against Neil’s, giving occasional kisses in an attempt to distract him from the pain. “And you’ll feel so good.”

“...Will it hurt like this every time we do it?” Neil could feel a light sweat on his forehead, and the room feeling suddenly so hot. He pulled Scott's t-shirt again, but this time to take it off and throw it to the floor. “...Are you all in?” Neil asked, breathless. 

“Yes.” The affirmation was a groan, and he had to wait a moment, resting his forehead against Neil’s chin. “Yes, I’m all in, I mean.” He kissed his neck, wandering his lips along Neil’s collarbone. “It will be easier next time, it’ll be more uncomfortable than actually painful, but you will start feeling pleasure soon.” Scott caressed his sides under the shirt, rocking his body back and forth in an almost imperceptible motion, not moving inside Neil, but trying to stimulate his delight.

“I want it to feel good already…” Neil grabbed Scott's cheeks and kissed him. “Please… make it feel good now.” The pain was still there, but Neil hugged Scott's hips with his legs and pushed him further inside, making him moan louder.

Scott raised his hips a little, finding a new angle to thrust into Neil. “I just…” He lost his breath before finishing the sentence, and he placed his lips on Neil’s neck again, before continuing. “I just love your moans.” One of Scott’s hands found his cock once more, stroking the length. “Next time, I’ll make you come only with my cock inside you.” He whispered against Neil’s skin.

Neil was all moans and cries, and scratches on Scott's back. He even bit Scott's shoulder in one especially deep thrust. It was starting to feel good, so freaking good. The pain was still there, but it was a different kind of pain. “I… I don't know how much longer I… I'm gonna come.”

“Don’t hold yourself.” Scott was used to delaying the orgasm of his partners - when he was sober enough to be conscious, but this was Neil’s first time, and he also didn’t know how much he could control himself now. “I want to hear you calling my name when you come. Can you do this for me, baby?” His hip movements were becoming more erratic, and he was so close.

“S-Scott…” The bed was making noises according to Scott's movements, and Neil could feel his back going up and down the mattress. “Scott… Sco-” He couldn't finish the last calling, for his orgasm reached him, making him come hard between his belly and Scott's. 

“Oh, fuck, Neil.” Scott pressed his fingers with an uncontrolled strength on Neil’s hips, the way Neil was moaning his name pushing him to the limit. He barely needed one more thrust to find his own release, feeling his whole body trembling with ecstasy.

“This is…” He let his body rest over Neil, just wanting to enjoy the bliss for a little longer. “We don’t have a limit to tell us how much healthy sex we can do, right?” Scott smiled against his neck.

“That was…” Neil put a hand on Scott’s head. “That was amazing.” He was out of breath. “Can we do it again?” A smile appeared on his lips, since both of them were clearly worked out by the sudden activity. 

“All night if you want to.. If you give me some time to recover.” A breathless laugh came from Scott's lips, as he leaned his head to meet Neil’s touch. “You really like my hair now, don’t you?”

Neil caressed Scott's hair. “I don't want you to cut it off. And, since I'm the one with the money now, I’ve decided I'm not going to pay for a hairstylist right now. So, you don't have much of a choice.” He kissed Scott's lips once again. “...I love you…” He whispered, “I really do.”

“Oh, so this makes me like one of those trophy boyfriends?” He laughed against Neil’s lips, not moving away. “I’ll have to cook your dinner, clean your house and be handsome for you?” Scott rested his hair on his shoulder, taking care to not just drop his weight over Neil. “And I love you too. It's been so long since the last time I loved someone like this.”

“Since your wife?” He dared to ask. “You never… have told me much about her.” He took a bunch of hair out of Scott's face. “Why did you get a divorce?... Where is she now?... How long did your marriage last?”

Scott was waiting for that question since they started dating, and he was thankful for the fact that Neil waited so long to do it, more then anything. Now that he was sober and almost totally rehabilitated. 

“She was murdered, actually.” He said, slipping his body to the side, still looking at Neil, and letting one of his legs circle his waist. “By her lover.”

His hand was still holding Neil’s in a silent and inconscient plea for something alike to never happen to them. “I loved her more than anything back then, and since then I always blamed myself for not noticing how distant she was. Maybe I could have done something to stop it from happening. Maybe… I’m not sure. It was a huge nightmare, and I couldn’t wake up.”

Neil closed his eyes. “Shit, Baby. I’m so sorry.” He really felt awful for bringing such painful memories. “I didn't… know.” He faced Scott. “You don't have to tell me if you don't feel like it. It's your first day at home and here I am, asking such questions.” 

“Don’t be sorry, please.” Scott said. “It’s not a bad thing to want to know about what happened. I’ve always avoided this topic, but I trust you. I want you to know about me, even the painful things.” He kissed the tip of Niels nose. “You can ask me anything ...And please,” He begged. “You can always tell me if you’re unhappy with something.”

Neil smiled, but his eyes were sad. “...I bet she was beautiful.” Neil simply said. 

“She was.” Scott kept his eyes closed, enjoying the touch of the hand on his cheek. “She was the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

He turned his head a little, only enough to kiss Neil’s hands. “And I trust you, Neil, don’t you ever think otherwise. But I'm also scared because I know that you can find someone better than me, someone who doesn’t have all these ghosts. How could I ask you to stay with me?”

“Scott, stop it.” Neil raised his voice a little. “You’ve come so far… Most people wouldn't even have tried. Hell, Scott, you accepted me when I was a mess, why can't I accept you now that you need a little support to finally leave all that sickness behind?”

“I couldn't believe the first time you talked to me, back in that meeting.” Neil continued. “Because guys like you simply don't talk to guys like me. And for you to invite me to have dinner that very same day... Just… look at you. I don't care if you tell me you were just looking for someone to have a good time with, I'm sure you had plenty of good options. But you chose me. And you made me feel good… Anxious as hell, but I felt special just by having your attention.”

Neil smiled. “I wasn't happy with who I was back then, but now… I actually feel confident in my own body, even though I know I'm chubby. I still have you… My hot, sexy and kind boyfriend. I am damn lucky.” He put his hands on Scott's legs, and kissed the corner of his lips. “And I hope some day I'll be able to say ‘My hot, sexy and kind husband.’” He said against his skin. 

Scott had his doubts if Neil was being fair: Neil was never as messed up as him, but it was still good enough to hear how Neil believed in him. “I guess we did it, right? We’re a normal couple now.” He smiled on Neil’s lips. “Can I dream of having kids and pets again?” Though Scott was the one who posed the question, he himself didn’t know how much of this question was meant to be taken as a joke and how much of it was meant to be taken seriously.

“I couldn't have done this without you. Since the beginning, you reminded me that sometimes we have something in life that's worth fighting for. I wouldn’t have made it without your full support.” Scott reached Neil’s lips to kiss him again, deeply and slowly now. “And, Neil? I love your body.” Scott pressed his leg further around Neil again, pulling their bodies closer. “I’m glad we agree.”

Neil hugged him and bit his cheek. “I guess we can have a dog, but only if you’re the one walking him.”And about kids… How we would do that?” He knew gay couples had some options, but he never had thought about it till now. He didn't think Scott was that serious, though. 

“You can always get pregnant, Neil.” He couldn’t help but laugh. “If you’re not going to help me with the dog, you’re gonna have to do something about the kids.”  
Kids were Scott’s dream since his marriage, even if Megan seemed to hate the idea of being a mother. Now with Neil he had another chance. Who knows? “Seriously, though. How do you feel about children? Too soon to ask that?”

“Are you being serious about it?” He raised a little and sat in the bed. “I guess I’ve never thought about them. You know… I never thought about meeting ‘the one’.” Neil caressed his hair. “And you? Did your wife never get pregnant?” Neil asked, not so sure about if he should open the topic again. 

“Can I deduce that now I’m your ‘one’?” Scott asked, smiling. “I’m not serious about you getting pregnant, but I am about having our kids.”

He didn’t let go of Neil’s hand, like it was the most precious thing in the world for him now. This last question was a little too painful and he had to breath before answering. “And about my wife… She was pregnant when she died. But I’ll never know if that child was mine. I guess it wasn’t, because otherwise she would have told me.”

Another pause, and Scott almost lost himself among his memories. “I always asked her for children, and even if she never said no, I know she was never fond of the idea.

Neil felt horrible for the second time that day. “Fuck, here I am with my big mouth again. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to… I won't ask any more questions, I promise.”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, not unaware of Scott’s mention of the phrase ‘our kids’. “But yes… if you want to have kids and… you want to have them with me. Let's say I'm not completely against the idea. I mean… if we adopt or… I don't know. “ He wasn't feeling so confident about that topic. It seemed like he was living somebody else's life, too perfect to be his own. 

Then again, he couldn't have even dreamed about what he was living right now a year ago.


	8. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been an amazing journey! Thank you for sharing it with us :-*

[](http://s306.photobucket.com/user/Malle182/media/Mobile%20Uploads/IMG-20170625-WA0002.jpg.html)

'A few years later'. 

“Ava, please finish your eggs before daddy wakes up so he can give you a bath.” Neil was ready to go to work, his hair shorter than ever, and his stubble freshly shaved. It was Saturday morning, but a doctor’s life was busy even on weekends. He didn't mind, his life was too perfect to start complaining about his work schedule again. 

Scott was still wearing his pajamas, but the younger girl in his arms was already with a new fresh diaper and in her pajamas. “You don’t need to say it twice, Ava knows how is so much more fun when is daddy here to give her a bath.” He winked at the girl, before accommodating Isabella on her baby chair. “And good morning, my little queen.” Scott left a kiss over her head, turning to Neil.

“Are you going to leave us already?” Scott asked, kissing his lips tenderly, while Ava put her hands over her eyes, making a fake disgusted noise with a laugh. “We promise we'll compensate you tomorrow. You deserve a relaxing Sunday to rest.”

Neil smiled as he placed a plate with fruit down on Isabella’s table. “I already told Ava we're going to the park tomorrow so, maybe we can have lunch after that?”

“Were you two conspiring while I was still asleep?” Scott looked from Neil to Ava, with an amused and suspicious glare. “But I’m the last one who decides things in this house, so I guess I’ll just flow with you.” It was almost unbelievable that he was actually saying such a thing, but he had given up the control a long time ago. Especially since Ava arrived.

Isabella was too busy making a mess with the fruits more than eating, making small noises of happiness, intertwined with “daddy”s. 

Neil was always the one getting up early on Saturdays, and Scott was always in charge of giving the girls baths afte breakfast. “Are you hungry? There are pancakes, bacon and eggs. Can I serve you a plate before I go?” It was getting late, and the E.R. was always so busy. 

“Don’t worry, I can help myself here.” Of course he did want to hold Neil home as long as he could, but he also didn’t want to give him trouble with his job. “You can go save lives, but come back to us as soon as you can, alright?”

“I promise.” Neil gave Scott a quick kiss on the lips, but this time to say goodbye. Then, he kissed Isabella on the head, and got near Ava to do the same. “Ava, give your papa a kiss.” He said, as he pushed his lips forward, ready for a peck. 

Ava shook her head, placing her little hands over her mouth now. “But only daddy can kiss papa.” She said, making Scott laugh.

“You see, we have such a smart daughter.”

“Did he teach you that?” Neil rolled his eyes at Scott, but found it cute and funny. “Ava, please give me a kiss so I can have a good day.” 

Scott raised his shoulders in a guilty confession, while Ava finally strained herself to kiss her papa. 

“Good bye, princess.” Neil smiled and grabbed his backpack, looking at his family. Since Ava had arrived, they had finally felt completed. Then, Isabella came, and they were overwhelmed when they realized they couldn't be happier. 

“Oh, one more thing.” Neil turned to Scott, “Noah’s birthday party will be next week, so if you three go to the mall today, make sure to buy a birthday gift for him. I think he likes The Hulk.” Noah, Adam and Phoebe’s son, was about to turn 6.

“I like The Hulk too.” Ava complained, a little jealous over the attention Noah was getting for his birthday. 

“If you eat all your eggs, and behave yourself, I can buy you something too - And don’t worry about it, Neil, I’ll find a matching gift for our little Mr. Perfect.” Scott smiled, never losing the habit of making fun the couple, even if Adam was one of his greatest friends, along with Phoebe. “You can focus on your job, George Clooney.”

“I'll be home soon! Love you!” Neil called out by the door. 

Yeah, his life was perfect. 

Fin.

[](http://s306.photobucket.com/user/Malle182/media/Mobile%20Uploads/f4f57075-46d1-4a80-a080-088e28192b9e.jpg.html)

**Author's Note:**

> Malle: Another fic in collaboration with Nana! A different ship, same babies! This was a crossover that was meant to happen! Enjoy :D
> 
> Nana: Totally meant to happen. I'm not much of a fan of crossovers, but everything that is Luke/Josh is perfect. Hope you all like it as much as I liked writing!
> 
> And you can find us on Tumblr - @malleland and @impossiblyshamelessearthquake.


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